Feel a feeling

Another Sunday, another procrastinated spur to get up and do something. I am ever so thankful I did. Today's service was excellent. Walked into the sound of people and laughter. Hugs and handshakes. There were two amazing songs. One was Saint Francis Prayer and the next was a Tibetan Buddhist Prayer. Equally beautiful and meaningful. 

I laughed because the Saint Francis Prayer is my mantra for meditation. In case you don't know it, or well, just because the words are so beautiful and universal:

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.

O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.

This definitely gave me time for some reflection in how I have been feeling and treating others of late. It is so hard for me to remember sometimes, compassion. I get hooked so quickly, and then my mind runs with it. The anger and fear. 

There was a guided meditation today, a beautiful visual guided meditation. I felt so much energy, so much love. I felt a feeling today. Which is something I have been struggling with. Feel a feeling, physically. Then let it go. I was asked to remove thought from the feeling. Don't get caught up in where that feeling was taking me. Just focus on how it felt. Then move it and let it go. It was a very powerful experience. A lesson I really needed some in depth instruction on. I am so thankful I went for this reason. The things that were bothering me, were but stones in my pocket, as I put those stones in the bowl, light basked the room. Those thoughts were just thoughts. And as someone I know likes to point out, thoughts are nothing. They are electrical impulses in my head. I do not need to jump in the stream and go down river with them. Just because I am physically feeling them, does not mean I have to let them run or ruin my life.

Saint Micheal was there to give advice, and support. I know that as everyone filed out to go downstairs and have lunch, I sat. First I sat in reflection, then I sat waiting. For what I am unsure. I think it was to see of someone would stop and say anything. But I realized that this action was my own. I can't wait for someone to save me. So there I sat, praying and meditating. I asked for support, guidance, help, and love. I felt surrounded by something. I lost physical feeling of my body, but felt a warmth as if someone has holding my hands. I can only take that as that. It was my experience. It was like the world fell away, and there I was, but there I wasn't. I didn't feel physically sitting on that pew, I couldn't feel the pressure of the seat, the floor under my feet. I couldn't even feel my hands touching. I felt weightless, groundless. I felt a true and honest connection with the world, with all. I was in that moment everything. My feet were not there, they were everywhere, as was I.

I am unsure how long I sat, or how many tears streamed down my face. But I was basked in a light. I was healing, I was present. I was there.  This is my truth and it was beautiful. 

Just where are my feet?!

This path is one that I have always been on. The practice is what falters. I think that it is the easier route, but on the long run, provides to be the longer, more difficult path, because I always come back. I think about how the same issues keep bringing me back to this place, and how every time I am having a difficult time, even though I know how much better I feel with meditation, rightful thought and life, I still do the same habitual solutions. I wouldn't even call it a solution, because over the last several years, I still run into the same issues, the same problems, the same suffering. So why wouldn't I try something different. Why wouldn't I want to break away from this habitual downward spiral? Because of fear, fear of having the ground ripped out from under me, even though that groundlessness might be exactly what I need.

It is that spark that needs to be kept, that fire that I need to keep burning. I need to tend to it, and add that kindling, the fire will not burn on it's own, and without proper help, will burn out. i read something today that helps me understand just that:

 For instance, say that the sensation is the agreeable sound of a bird, Pay attention only to the process that allows you to hear the sound — sound waves making contact with your ear and being transmitted to your brain, which analyzes the contact and give rise to a mental impression or feeling. Remind yourself, “This is a pleasant feeling. It has arisen depending on these factors. When these factors disappear, this pleasant feeling will also disappear..” Return your attention to the breath. 

Bhante Henepola Gunaratana. The Four Foundations of Mindfulness in Plain English (Page 90). Wisdom Publications (2012).

When I do not tend to the oven that the fire is burning in, that is keeping that fire going, those pleasant feelings disappear. In any religion, or belief, whether it be prayer, meditation, dance. We all do something to keep that alive, to keep it fresh and ever present. I have started the process again. Classes, readings, and today I went to an interfaith church. It was most enjoyable. Me being of shy mind, I wasn't sure what to think. I also knew... I was going to be late! As I stood in the driveway waiting to go, I took a deep breath. Several deep breathes. I thought to myself, what will happen if I am late? Will the world end? No.... Will the people be angry? Let them be, that is not my problem. Will every one turn and stare at me awkwardly? So what? Conversation piece to break the ice at least! So as I called down, I felt better. I made it there, a very nice woman pointed me in the direction inside, it hadn't even started yet, there was talking, laughter, people milling around. So there I was, just fine, the worry for nothing. I found a seat.

At first it was like my old Lutheran Church, sit down, stand up, everyone sing this hymn/prayer that is the in laminated paper in the pew. But it was a prayer of interconnectedness. The first line was one that you wish peace to all things. A universal message of love and peace. Unity of all. Exactly what I believe and wish for. There was a meditation, a guest speaker. To see so many people, from d=so many different belief systems, all together, in love and hope and happiness. It was wonderful. I thought, why did I procrastinate coming here today? I honestly almost stayed home on the couch and did nothing! I would have missed out on this wonderful experience! There was a circle where people held hands in prayer, then lined up to walk out and a woman hugged me.

After this, service went downstairs to have community lunch. I have to admit, this was my most feared moment. Being that outsider. There was this bright woman, just beaming, she reminded me of Diane Keaton, with her black circular rimmed glasses, and hat. Even some of her mannerisms. She asked me some questions, told me to feel free to sit with them at their table if I wanted, and was genuinely very honest and kind. I am a bit timid and shy at first meeting, but I made an effort to talk. Another woman at the table told me how she loves it there, just a lot of happiness, and that even though there are different beliefs, it is all good. She told me a story from her life about the power of prayer, and how strong it is. She was very open, and very kind. I felt very welcomed. The Diane Keaton woman told me, very personally, that when she started going there, she had a lot going on, and would spend most of her Sundays in the first pew crying, and that she did that until she no longer felt like crying, and how the love and support of the community helped her. No one judged me for my beliefs, or even wanted to dig into what they were. Just being there, in the present moment. I know that I will go back, I have already had visions of down the road, and what I can do to help this community with my own skills. Having a community that is supportive and helpful.

it is a start, it is a new beginning. It is another avenue that connects to my path. I feel like taking it. Pema Chodron speaks about when you feel that feeling of being hooked, you need to choose something different. The hardest part is to continue the practice. Well, I am choosing something different. We will see what comes!