I have been forgetting to do this stop and breathe thing! Life has been so very hectic and up and down for me. The times I need to remember all that I have learned the most, is when I slip. But I always get back up. One foot in front of the other, in a forward kind of motion.
Work, personal life, family life, all of it....
In all those three aspects, I have opened my mind and my heart to these people. Yet I feel I am in a sinking ship. A ship that is to house their beliefs, and their thoughts. All is love. All paths are paths of love that lead to ultimate heaven. Pretty universal message to me. Yet the alienation is clear. I know I am never truly alone, if I only look within, but this notion of loneliness is a hard one to shrug off. Words are the most powerful weapons I can think of, because they stay rooted in my mind, floating around, just to resurface and bring about these powerful emotions. I am fine one minute, hurt and angry the next. This is what I am trying to overcome. This path I am on, is the right path for me. It is bringing me closer to God. I thought these people would be happy for me. But instead it seems they think I am against God, or that I am going to convert their loved ones. So they fight against this, but they are really fighting nothing. So I have turned to a more Eastern approach, why does this bother you so? I am not trying to convert your loved ones, why the need to research Hindu v.s. Christians? What is your purpose in that? What I need to learn is to not need to know your purpose or gain your acceptance. I have been so happy on this journey, why can't you accept that? It is my journey after all, I am in no way hurting you. Yet now there is an alienation. I am left out. I am no longer treated as a family member. I am looked at as perhaps an enemy, when I have done nothing to harm you.
All I have ever wanted in my life, is a close, loving family unit. And I thought that I was getting that. But as I sit looking at all the family emails I am left out of, the conversations about how many Hindi's persecute Christians... I mean really.... I am sorry if I am not the one you envisioned. But I am one, and I am love. And I am good. I want to bring goodness into the world, I want to spread God's love (no matter what you call him, or the path you take to him.) What exactly do you think I have done so wrong, to deserve so little respect?
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
A Dead End Road
This is my blog, these are my thoughts. Everyone is entitled to their own. I am expressing my feelings, just as you all express yours. If you take offense to how I feel, well, go ahead. I took offense to many opinions that I saw today. But I chose to express my own, on my own page, as to not in some way give the impression of shoving it down your throats. If you are choosing to read this, it is because YOU CHOSE. If what I say upsets you, the only one at fault for the upset is yourself...
My sadness towards the lack of compassion in others grows this week. Not just because of the upset overseas, but the reaction it is receiving here at home. What happened was horrible. But hatred and the pointing of fingers back and forth will not solve anything. Why is there so much wasted effort put into trying to place blame, and practice utter hatred? I for one CANNOT judge an entire group of people, based on the actions of some. All I am seeing are words full of hate about Muslims, and their religion, their way of life..... They are not ALL bad. What happened when the Sikh Temple in Wisconsin had that shooting? I don't see all these poison spewing Americans saying they hate Americans. It is no different. It was a hateful action, caused by hateful thoughts and beliefs. Muslims follow a religion of peace, mercy, and forgiveness, and the majority have nothing to do with the extremely grave events which have come to be associated with their faith. The one's that do are gravely misreading their religion, as do tons of us. As do the people here at home that beat and rape gays because they believe it doesn't go with their religion. All the acts of violence caused right here at home because of a difference in opinion on religion. I say a majority because: One billion people from a vast range of races, nationalities and cultures across the globe - from the southern Philippines to Nigeria - are united by their common Islamic faith. About 18% live in the Arab world; the world's largest Muslim community is in Indonesia; substantial parts of Asia and most of Africa are Muslim, while significant minorities are to be found in the Soviet Union, China, North and South America, and Europe. So to say you hate them, one, is ignorance, and two, one should not hate. It is an emotion that will cause you nothing but suffering. What actions one person has seen or experienced, still does not speak for a whole. There is a large group of people in this world that perform actions of great suffering and hatred. I can admit that, obviously. But I will not utter such words of hatred into this world as I have read in the past few days. It truly makes me sad.
May I remind you that ALL religions, and ALL peoples have had acts of violence. Many of it right here in America and our own history, and much of it with Christianity and Catholicism. But I have yet to see such putrid words spilled about that. To say an entire group of people should be eradicated? Never. We are not Hitler reincarnate. How hypocritical to disagree with what he did, but call for the death of all Muslims!
And lastly, let me remind you all that every man, woman, and child is your sister or brother. We all live in the human family, in one home that is Earth. The only way to move forward is to shed hate and embrace compassion. What happened makes me eternally sad. When I think of the people who did this, and how they were shaped into their beliefs, and all that happened before them to shape who they are, and the events that led up to this, hatred just does no good, it does only bad. But I can feel compassion for them. I have hope that they will see the error of their ways. And some might say that that is just letting it pass, like it was nothing. No. It is not. But if you are seething with hatred because of this, what good is that doing? It is making you angry, it is causing negative results to yourself. At least compassion has the capacity for growth. Hatred is a dead end. Your hatred will cause no change, it will only cause you negative effects.
My sadness towards the lack of compassion in others grows this week. Not just because of the upset overseas, but the reaction it is receiving here at home. What happened was horrible. But hatred and the pointing of fingers back and forth will not solve anything. Why is there so much wasted effort put into trying to place blame, and practice utter hatred? I for one CANNOT judge an entire group of people, based on the actions of some. All I am seeing are words full of hate about Muslims, and their religion, their way of life..... They are not ALL bad. What happened when the Sikh Temple in Wisconsin had that shooting? I don't see all these poison spewing Americans saying they hate Americans. It is no different. It was a hateful action, caused by hateful thoughts and beliefs. Muslims follow a religion of peace, mercy, and forgiveness, and the majority have nothing to do with the extremely grave events which have come to be associated with their faith. The one's that do are gravely misreading their religion, as do tons of us. As do the people here at home that beat and rape gays because they believe it doesn't go with their religion. All the acts of violence caused right here at home because of a difference in opinion on religion. I say a majority because: One billion people from a vast range of races, nationalities and cultures across the globe - from the southern Philippines to Nigeria - are united by their common Islamic faith. About 18% live in the Arab world; the world's largest Muslim community is in Indonesia; substantial parts of Asia and most of Africa are Muslim, while significant minorities are to be found in the Soviet Union, China, North and South America, and Europe. So to say you hate them, one, is ignorance, and two, one should not hate. It is an emotion that will cause you nothing but suffering. What actions one person has seen or experienced, still does not speak for a whole. There is a large group of people in this world that perform actions of great suffering and hatred. I can admit that, obviously. But I will not utter such words of hatred into this world as I have read in the past few days. It truly makes me sad.
May I remind you that ALL religions, and ALL peoples have had acts of violence. Many of it right here in America and our own history, and much of it with Christianity and Catholicism. But I have yet to see such putrid words spilled about that. To say an entire group of people should be eradicated? Never. We are not Hitler reincarnate. How hypocritical to disagree with what he did, but call for the death of all Muslims!
And lastly, let me remind you all that every man, woman, and child is your sister or brother. We all live in the human family, in one home that is Earth. The only way to move forward is to shed hate and embrace compassion. What happened makes me eternally sad. When I think of the people who did this, and how they were shaped into their beliefs, and all that happened before them to shape who they are, and the events that led up to this, hatred just does no good, it does only bad. But I can feel compassion for them. I have hope that they will see the error of their ways. And some might say that that is just letting it pass, like it was nothing. No. It is not. But if you are seething with hatred because of this, what good is that doing? It is making you angry, it is causing negative results to yourself. At least compassion has the capacity for growth. Hatred is a dead end. Your hatred will cause no change, it will only cause you negative effects.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Summer is Here!
Here is a little something I wrote years ago at the beach, soaking up the sun and people watching.
Staring across the silvery surface
the spanse of time unbeknownst to all
hundreds of bodies
floating, soaring
all moving to some strange Earthly beat
but all adding their own dance
their own rhythm
in the timeless waters, ageless sands
castles raised and destroyed
an unending battle of moon and tides
some fearful, some brave
against the waves lapping upon their bodies
all time stops upon the sands
an unearthly peace falls upon their heads
cool water bathes over feet
as footprints disappear into the sea
there is a sacred pattern
Every wave created
by wind, by land, by the living
each warring against the other
in a sacred battle
till the water dries up
the land rearranges
and the world changes as only it can
in the timeless dance
so old we do not even notice, in a lifetime, what our own beat adds to the dance
feet pound into the sands
memories lost in the earth
to be rediscovered and remembered by another
a young child's laughter is born
adding to the endless rhythm
adding to the tradition of the beach.
Staring across the silvery surface
the spanse of time unbeknownst to all
hundreds of bodies
floating, soaring
all moving to some strange Earthly beat
but all adding their own dance
their own rhythm
in the timeless waters, ageless sands
castles raised and destroyed
an unending battle of moon and tides
some fearful, some brave
against the waves lapping upon their bodies
all time stops upon the sands
an unearthly peace falls upon their heads
cool water bathes over feet
as footprints disappear into the sea
there is a sacred pattern
Every wave created
by wind, by land, by the living
each warring against the other
in a sacred battle
till the water dries up
the land rearranges
and the world changes as only it can
in the timeless dance
so old we do not even notice, in a lifetime, what our own beat adds to the dance
feet pound into the sands
memories lost in the earth
to be rediscovered and remembered by another
a young child's laughter is born
adding to the endless rhythm
adding to the tradition of the beach.
I Will See it Through
This ended up a rather long post, but please read through it, thank you....
I got an email from a co worker yesterday, he had heard I am planning a trip to India, and wanted to know if I wanted to talk about it sometime over lunch, when I emailed him back, he hadn't realized I was at work, so I joined him to see what he wanted to talk about.
We spoke a bit about Hinduism, Buddhism, the concept of "self", the scientifics' of it all, etc. He then said he is always interested in what sparks a person to want to make a journey to India, and what had caused my want. At this time, my want is in the very beginning stages, not sure where I am going, when I am going exactly, and what I will be doing. The location I assume will depend on if I go as a tourist, if I go as a volunteer, or if I go for a pilgrimage. I think it also varies on the fact that I would like to find someone to go with, since I have never been outside of the U.S and I am a diabetic, and I would just feel better having someone there with me, but the price tag for just the plane ticket turns many people away.
He sent me a few links to sites he thought I would like to read about, and one was from a man who has been to India several times, and what he had to say was heartbreaking, but what I had expected. From others I have spoken to, they all say the same... You will learn to love India, as well as hate it. The poverty is so unbelievably bad, that you begin to hate the country for what it is doing, because, in reality, there is a lot of wealth in India as well. Here is an excerpt of some of his writing....
"The poverty's on a mind-blowing, overwhelming scale, and you feel so helpless. The money in your pocket right now, handed to any one person out there beyond the window, would be life-changing. But you can't save a billion people and turn the fortunes of this massive country. (You're not Gandhi, you know.) And after all, back in Bangalore we hung out with highly paid IT guys who worked for Infosys. There's a lot of wealth in India, too."
- Trying Really Hard To Like India
After we were done speaking, I reflected on his questions, and the conversation, which I felt like I kind of drowned in. I really have started to ask myself... why do I have this strong desire to go to India? In all actuality, I would like to go anywhere where I could do some good, but so many places are currently so dangerous to visit, that def narrows it down. Yes I want to serve, but I want to live as well. I thought about the spiritual aspect of things, this man touched on the fact that so many Westerners go to India if they want a spiritual experience, and why should "India have the cornerstone on spirituality?" My spirituality if within me, I would like to go see some of the holy sights, but when it comes down to it, no place in the world can give me spirituality, only I can accept that in my being. As far as a tourist aspect, well of course I want to see some sights, but I also know that I don't want to be in the nice pretty places.
So after a lot of thought, I think I have come to the conclusion that here in America, anything we want, is basically right there, or can be gotten in a matter of seconds, and we don't think twice about it. Hungry? Pick one of hundreds of fast food places, and stuff your face with un-nutritional food within minutes. Some people don't wonder, but accept that they will not be eating today. Yes we have needy here, and I do what I can to help those close, but I don't think anyone can understand the true meaning of poverty, of helplessness, of human suffering, unless they experience it first hand. And I would find it hard to find anyone who would not be changed by this. Yes I am looking for spiritual guidance that I am finding hard to find here, yes I want to volunteer and give of myself to those who sorely need it, but I think at the heart of the matter, is the fact that I want to experience what is really going on around me, so that I can honestly see and feel the suffering, so that I have a better understanding of my brothers strife. Only when I understand, can I truly help. I know that I will come back changed forever, and I will never see my world the same again.
I am prepared to realize that I will develop a sadness that I don't think is possible for me to have, until I fully understand it. This trip is not a vacation. But I feel it will be one of the most important things I will ever do in my life. I understand that it will be very hard, and at times, I will be frustrated with my world. But I know that whatever good I do, will be so welcomed, every smile I get, will be genuine.
I want the culture shock, I don't want to be blind anymore. The world is my home, everyone is my family, and if they suffer, I want to help, but I feel I must experience this to truly understand what suffering is.
This is probably a good time to mention to all my friends and family that I do plan on trying to make it to India next year, and am asking that any gifts, i.e: xmas, bday. etc be in the form of cash. I am taking donations as well. Plane ticket is around $2000. I think that this trip all in all will total around $3500-$4000 dependant on who I can get a hold of about going (like through volunteerism, etc.) Any extra donations will be sent as a donation to an orphanage in India.
I do not ask anyone to comment, I am not asking anyone to understand. I am just asking you to accept it. I know everyone in their life has had something in them, a burning desire, something they felt they had to do. I have spent a long time, walking around aimlessly, searching for something that was always there. I have found it, and am still finding it everyday. This is my desire, this is what I want to do, and no matter what, I will see it through.
I got an email from a co worker yesterday, he had heard I am planning a trip to India, and wanted to know if I wanted to talk about it sometime over lunch, when I emailed him back, he hadn't realized I was at work, so I joined him to see what he wanted to talk about.
We spoke a bit about Hinduism, Buddhism, the concept of "self", the scientifics' of it all, etc. He then said he is always interested in what sparks a person to want to make a journey to India, and what had caused my want. At this time, my want is in the very beginning stages, not sure where I am going, when I am going exactly, and what I will be doing. The location I assume will depend on if I go as a tourist, if I go as a volunteer, or if I go for a pilgrimage. I think it also varies on the fact that I would like to find someone to go with, since I have never been outside of the U.S and I am a diabetic, and I would just feel better having someone there with me, but the price tag for just the plane ticket turns many people away.
He sent me a few links to sites he thought I would like to read about, and one was from a man who has been to India several times, and what he had to say was heartbreaking, but what I had expected. From others I have spoken to, they all say the same... You will learn to love India, as well as hate it. The poverty is so unbelievably bad, that you begin to hate the country for what it is doing, because, in reality, there is a lot of wealth in India as well. Here is an excerpt of some of his writing....
"The poverty's on a mind-blowing, overwhelming scale, and you feel so helpless. The money in your pocket right now, handed to any one person out there beyond the window, would be life-changing. But you can't save a billion people and turn the fortunes of this massive country. (You're not Gandhi, you know.) And after all, back in Bangalore we hung out with highly paid IT guys who worked for Infosys. There's a lot of wealth in India, too."
- Trying Really Hard To Like India
After we were done speaking, I reflected on his questions, and the conversation, which I felt like I kind of drowned in. I really have started to ask myself... why do I have this strong desire to go to India? In all actuality, I would like to go anywhere where I could do some good, but so many places are currently so dangerous to visit, that def narrows it down. Yes I want to serve, but I want to live as well. I thought about the spiritual aspect of things, this man touched on the fact that so many Westerners go to India if they want a spiritual experience, and why should "India have the cornerstone on spirituality?" My spirituality if within me, I would like to go see some of the holy sights, but when it comes down to it, no place in the world can give me spirituality, only I can accept that in my being. As far as a tourist aspect, well of course I want to see some sights, but I also know that I don't want to be in the nice pretty places.
So after a lot of thought, I think I have come to the conclusion that here in America, anything we want, is basically right there, or can be gotten in a matter of seconds, and we don't think twice about it. Hungry? Pick one of hundreds of fast food places, and stuff your face with un-nutritional food within minutes. Some people don't wonder, but accept that they will not be eating today. Yes we have needy here, and I do what I can to help those close, but I don't think anyone can understand the true meaning of poverty, of helplessness, of human suffering, unless they experience it first hand. And I would find it hard to find anyone who would not be changed by this. Yes I am looking for spiritual guidance that I am finding hard to find here, yes I want to volunteer and give of myself to those who sorely need it, but I think at the heart of the matter, is the fact that I want to experience what is really going on around me, so that I can honestly see and feel the suffering, so that I have a better understanding of my brothers strife. Only when I understand, can I truly help. I know that I will come back changed forever, and I will never see my world the same again.
I am prepared to realize that I will develop a sadness that I don't think is possible for me to have, until I fully understand it. This trip is not a vacation. But I feel it will be one of the most important things I will ever do in my life. I understand that it will be very hard, and at times, I will be frustrated with my world. But I know that whatever good I do, will be so welcomed, every smile I get, will be genuine.
I want the culture shock, I don't want to be blind anymore. The world is my home, everyone is my family, and if they suffer, I want to help, but I feel I must experience this to truly understand what suffering is.
This is probably a good time to mention to all my friends and family that I do plan on trying to make it to India next year, and am asking that any gifts, i.e: xmas, bday. etc be in the form of cash. I am taking donations as well. Plane ticket is around $2000. I think that this trip all in all will total around $3500-$4000 dependant on who I can get a hold of about going (like through volunteerism, etc.) Any extra donations will be sent as a donation to an orphanage in India.
I do not ask anyone to comment, I am not asking anyone to understand. I am just asking you to accept it. I know everyone in their life has had something in them, a burning desire, something they felt they had to do. I have spent a long time, walking around aimlessly, searching for something that was always there. I have found it, and am still finding it everyday. This is my desire, this is what I want to do, and no matter what, I will see it through.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
A Simple Reflection
So many years,
Now feels like so many lives…
I have searched
Walked down so many lies
I was so tired; I couldn’t remember your name
And then there was you
Found on a whim
Sought through a hymn
A fire smoldering in my soul
Brought forth by the sound of a note
Love now surrounds me
Is in my every thought
My actions are of the servant
I am only here to help
I see who I am, a simple reflection….
It is so easy to fall apart
Forget the path, forget my heart
To look around and feel emptiness
To forget the lives
And connectedness
And then there was you
Found on a whim
Sought through a hymn
A fire smoldering in my soul
Brought forth by the sound of a note
And then there is me
My heart and my mind are free
These tears I cry are no longer for me
They are for the struggles
Of our family
And then there is we
A simple reflection
Of most Holy
Struggling to find
A beautiful Unity
In the reflection of you
Now feels like so many lives…
I have searched
Walked down so many lies
I was so tired; I couldn’t remember your name
And then there was you
Found on a whim
Sought through a hymn
A fire smoldering in my soul
Brought forth by the sound of a note
Love now surrounds me
Is in my every thought
My actions are of the servant
I am only here to help
I see who I am, a simple reflection….
It is so easy to fall apart
Forget the path, forget my heart
To look around and feel emptiness
To forget the lives
And connectedness
And then there was you
Found on a whim
Sought through a hymn
A fire smoldering in my soul
Brought forth by the sound of a note
And then there is me
My heart and my mind are free
These tears I cry are no longer for me
They are for the struggles
Of our family
And then there is we
A simple reflection
Of most Holy
Struggling to find
A beautiful Unity
In the reflection of you
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
A Beautiful Story
"When the sun has set on a day, it is foolish to ask him to come back so that you can live the day once again. The sun will come back; but only to usher in another day. No one can go back, not even for a moment."
From Mahabharata
From Mahabharata
Monday, May 28, 2012
Ripples
Run your fingers through my soul
Connecting you, to me
How can we not all see?
Just close your eyes; transcend above the lies
And there we will be, in unity
And just be, feel what it is to be free
To bask in Holy light
To chase the fears from the night
To travel a path with me
That leads to such beauty
And just be, feel what it is to be free
You can find it in me
We will seek solace in Most High
While we travel hand in hand,
And mind to mind
Connecting you, to me
How can we not all see?
Just close your eyes; transcend above the lies
And there we will be, in unity
Just close your eyes
Close your eyesAnd just be, feel what it is to be free
I seek a mind like my own
To seek the knowledge of the CrownTo bask in Holy light
To chase the fears from the night
To travel a path with me
That leads to such beauty
Just close your eyes
Close your eyesAnd just be, feel what it is to be free
Just close your eyes
And just be, feel what it is to be freeYou can find it in me
We will travel the worlds
We will absorb the WordsWe will seek solace in Most High
While we travel hand in hand,
And mind to mind
Just close your eyes....
The Ashes Of My Soul
I came to you
a flickering flame
with a desire to feed
your soul, the perfect tinder
I fed off you, became ablaze
a burning image, an Angel of Fire
you loved me back, with an intensity that was frightening, dazzling
blinding to the eyes
the intensity of us was a force field
melting the ignorance of all who came near
I can still hear the screams....
See the doubt in me, burning
Still feel the heat of the fire....
As it rose, tiny sparks falling like snow all around us
with a life changing fire, raging in my soul
and then came the beginning
of the end
a funeral pyre for the ages
burned beyond belief
my scars more than skin deep
my fire smoldering
slowly dying away
ashes
floating like feathers stripped from a dying angel
set loose on a high wind
floating like feathers stripped from a dying angel
set loose on a high wind
traveling miles...
I want the hopes and dreams, I want the heat
the passion, the lust...
words of prophecy and fire
now the ashes have settled
on farther ground
the rain hammering me into the dirt
till I am almost invisible
only traces of a being, white upon the earth
but now there is a growth
as I am beat into the ground
through the pain and suffering
life will rise
from the ashes of my soul.....
Monday, May 21, 2012
But I Am Listening
I was sitting with my fellow co-workers at lunch the other day. I was kind of lost in my thoughts that day, and so I was quiet. But I was listening. And I should add, I work with people in the information technology field... computers, etc.
The conversations they had for an hour truly saddened my heart. (And I am writing this a bit more nice than it was actually stated...)
Their first topic was on a show on discovery channel, one of those reality shows about people in the south who live off the land, who hunt alligators and the like. Their words towards these people, who they don't even know, were so cruel. Just in America alone, a lot of people, I am realizing, think that people in the south are like a 3rd world country. No education, no health, and primitive. They were laughing and making fun of their accents, their language, their way of life, their teeth, or lack of! It was just rude. As I sat there, I shook my head. This is how these people have lived for generations, it isn't wrong, it is just different. Different does not mean bad. What if they had been born there? That is how they would live as well, then it wouldn't be so bad to them, huh? I tried explaining this to them, and the comeback was "you sound like you are defending them!" Well of course I do, they are my family, as well as yours! Why speak unkindly about how someone lives? I do not see the logic in this at all, just sadness.
Their conversation then turned to when we have to call support for some type of software, etc. They were complaining about how you "always get 'that' guy from India who doesn't know English, and isn't trained to do anything other than read a script, you never actually get any help until they transfer you to someone higher." Once again, they were making fun of someone because they spoke a different language, had an accent, was doing what they were trained to do! Where is the logic? To top this all off, it isn't their fault at all. If they are angry that they aren't getting help from an American, that is America's fault. The man on the other end of the phone is just trying to make a living for himself and his family, he is doing what he was trained to do. Why be rude to them on the phone? Ruin their day, belittle them? That is your brother.
Everyday I hear these things, and everyday I am saddened by them. Once and awhile I will get the excuse that "well I wasn't rude on the phone." But yet you are speaking badly about them elsewhere. That isn't any better. Just because you don't say these things to a person, doesn't mean it is any better demeaning them without their knowing.
My biggest dream right now, and has been for awhile is to go to India. I spoke about it the other day at work, because a plane ticket is very expensive to me, and it is and will take me a very long time to get there, and then hope my work will allow a leave of absence. A co-worker asked me why I wanted to do this, and why India of all places. I find that what Americans think India is like, is really bad, and not a total truth, it is a perception on something they haven't ever experienced. I explained to him, that I feel drawn there, there are many things I want to see and experience, as well as volunteer to help those in need. He said I was a better person than him, that he wouldn't want to volunteer, but if he did, he would want to go someplace nice. I let this pass, since it is how he feels, no need to argue with him. He asked me what I wanted to do there, and I explained the living conditions, etc. Some need basic English, and I work in the computer field, they need basic computing skills, it is something I know I can give. He then laughed and said something to the effect of "great, more Indians doing computer support!" in a sarcastic way.
Why wouldn't I want to help someone make a living for themselves and their loved ones? If I can give anything to better someone else, why wouldn't I want to do this? Why wouldn't you?
So at work, I listen, and I say my piece to try to change their outlook. All I can hope is that they listen to something, feel some compassion, see the logic in what I am saying, and the demeaning nature in what they say. But it does help remind me of why I am here. I am here to help my family, I am here to serve. In my everyday life, this lesson teaches me to think about what I am saying, to look at the bigger picture, the world is my family, and I want to help them, and not speak ill. It helps me in being mindful of myself, and not let poison pass my lips, and more importantly, not let it enter my mind and my heart.
The conversations they had for an hour truly saddened my heart. (And I am writing this a bit more nice than it was actually stated...)
Their first topic was on a show on discovery channel, one of those reality shows about people in the south who live off the land, who hunt alligators and the like. Their words towards these people, who they don't even know, were so cruel. Just in America alone, a lot of people, I am realizing, think that people in the south are like a 3rd world country. No education, no health, and primitive. They were laughing and making fun of their accents, their language, their way of life, their teeth, or lack of! It was just rude. As I sat there, I shook my head. This is how these people have lived for generations, it isn't wrong, it is just different. Different does not mean bad. What if they had been born there? That is how they would live as well, then it wouldn't be so bad to them, huh? I tried explaining this to them, and the comeback was "you sound like you are defending them!" Well of course I do, they are my family, as well as yours! Why speak unkindly about how someone lives? I do not see the logic in this at all, just sadness.
Their conversation then turned to when we have to call support for some type of software, etc. They were complaining about how you "always get 'that' guy from India who doesn't know English, and isn't trained to do anything other than read a script, you never actually get any help until they transfer you to someone higher." Once again, they were making fun of someone because they spoke a different language, had an accent, was doing what they were trained to do! Where is the logic? To top this all off, it isn't their fault at all. If they are angry that they aren't getting help from an American, that is America's fault. The man on the other end of the phone is just trying to make a living for himself and his family, he is doing what he was trained to do. Why be rude to them on the phone? Ruin their day, belittle them? That is your brother.
Everyday I hear these things, and everyday I am saddened by them. Once and awhile I will get the excuse that "well I wasn't rude on the phone." But yet you are speaking badly about them elsewhere. That isn't any better. Just because you don't say these things to a person, doesn't mean it is any better demeaning them without their knowing.
My biggest dream right now, and has been for awhile is to go to India. I spoke about it the other day at work, because a plane ticket is very expensive to me, and it is and will take me a very long time to get there, and then hope my work will allow a leave of absence. A co-worker asked me why I wanted to do this, and why India of all places. I find that what Americans think India is like, is really bad, and not a total truth, it is a perception on something they haven't ever experienced. I explained to him, that I feel drawn there, there are many things I want to see and experience, as well as volunteer to help those in need. He said I was a better person than him, that he wouldn't want to volunteer, but if he did, he would want to go someplace nice. I let this pass, since it is how he feels, no need to argue with him. He asked me what I wanted to do there, and I explained the living conditions, etc. Some need basic English, and I work in the computer field, they need basic computing skills, it is something I know I can give. He then laughed and said something to the effect of "great, more Indians doing computer support!" in a sarcastic way.
Why wouldn't I want to help someone make a living for themselves and their loved ones? If I can give anything to better someone else, why wouldn't I want to do this? Why wouldn't you?
So at work, I listen, and I say my piece to try to change their outlook. All I can hope is that they listen to something, feel some compassion, see the logic in what I am saying, and the demeaning nature in what they say. But it does help remind me of why I am here. I am here to help my family, I am here to serve. In my everyday life, this lesson teaches me to think about what I am saying, to look at the bigger picture, the world is my family, and I want to help them, and not speak ill. It helps me in being mindful of myself, and not let poison pass my lips, and more importantly, not let it enter my mind and my heart.
Awakening
As the stars move along their celestial paths
My mind awakens
To ancient memories
That remind me of forgotten lands
forgotten times
and the forgotten visions of you
I vaguely remember
the feel of an emotion, or a moment
shared between us
Have I found my memories reincarnate soul
Drifting in the hollow unknowing shell of the flesh
Through all the skins we had shed
Our wisdom, our memories, our love
will forever remain for us to seek
Sunday, May 20, 2012
A sweet lesson on patience
A NYC Taxi driver wrote:
I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I honked again. Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just driving away, but instead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.
After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.
By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.
There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard
box filled with photos and glassware.
'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.
She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.
She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her.. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.'
'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive
through downtown?'
'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly..
'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice.
I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice..'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.
'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.
For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.
We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.
Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired.Let's go now'.
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.
Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move.
They must have been expecting her.
I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.
'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her purse.
'Nothing,' I said
'You have to make a living,' she answered.
'There are other passengers,' I responded.
Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.She held onto me tightly.
'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.'
I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.. Behind me, a door shut.It was the sound of the closing of a life..
I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day,I could hardly talk.What if that woman had gotten an angry driver,or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?
On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.
We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.
But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.
I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I honked again. Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just driving away, but instead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.
After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.
By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.
There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard
box filled with photos and glassware.
'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.
She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.
She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her.. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.'
'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive
through downtown?'
'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly..
'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice.
I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice..'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.
'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.
For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.
We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.
Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired.Let's go now'.
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.
Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move.
They must have been expecting her.
I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.
'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her purse.
'Nothing,' I said
'You have to make a living,' she answered.
'There are other passengers,' I responded.
Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.She held onto me tightly.
'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.'
I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.. Behind me, a door shut.It was the sound of the closing of a life..
I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day,I could hardly talk.What if that woman had gotten an angry driver,or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?
On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.
We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.
But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Patience
Everything that has selfishness for its basis, competition for its right hand, and enjoyment as its goal, must die sooner or later.
What good is it if we acknowledge in our prayers that God is the Father of us all, and in our daily lives do not treat every man as our brother?
Sincerity of conviction and purity of motive will surely gain the day.
The cause of all miseries we have in the world is that men foolishly think pleasure to be the ideal to strive for.
Swami Vivekananda
So it is Mother's Day here in the states, and this has been a touchy subject for years. I have never really spent much time with my mother. She was not an active figure in my life, ever. As I grew older I tried to maintain a relationship, but every time, I end up pulling back, because she is a very difficult person to get along with. Irrational, some drug issues, past and present. I always felt like my life was worse with her in it. More stress and anger put on me, and that cutting her out was the way to go. I often said she was not a person I would ever friend, if she was a stranger.
Now I know my thinking was all wrong. I was being selfish.
If the world didn't have difficult people, how would we ever learn tolerance of others, patience and compassion? My actions weren't kind, because I felt slighted. It was not a grudge of the past, I was just fed up with trying over and over. But that was me, having an expectation of what she should be. I can't expect her to live up to my expectations, because she can only live up to hers. I understand how I think and see the world and myself, is much different than those around me, and I can't expect so many things and thoughts to match my own.
So today, I took a great step and I spoke to her. First time in close to two years. Well, it was a text, small steps, I figure. I can't explain how I feel, even physically, my body was quivering, not even sure why.
I really had to keep in my mind all that I feel, and all that I have learned, and all that I believe, to take this step. To show kindness to someone, to show compassion. All she wants is a relationship with me, and to speak to me. We can't say that we are all from one creator, while denying that everyone is our brother and sister. We cannot pick and choose, we are all family, the human family.
So today my feet are here in Duluth, MN. Not in the past, where feelings were hurt, and not in the future where fear is manifesting, but right here, in this moment. And in this moment, I can say I did good.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Paltrul Rinpoche's Sacred World
Much of our planning
is like waiting to swim in a dry ravine.
Many of our activities
are like housekeeping in a dream.
Delirious with fever,
one does not recognize the fever~
is like waiting to swim in a dry ravine.
Many of our activities
are like housekeeping in a dream.
Delirious with fever,
one does not recognize the fever~
Some Random Thoughts Floating Around
Today I am just looking back at how far I have come, and how far I have yet to go, and what changes I have seen. Just a lot of randomness floating around in my mind, I can say I am much happier, stress comes and goes, as well as irritation and anger, but I have a much better handle on things, I can look at them a different way, break them down to logical thinking, and then it seems foolish that I was ever so wrapped up in the emotions in the first place. Friends really don't understand or grasp, or really approve or care of the path I am seeking. But it is a fire inside me, and it seems the more I try to run from it, the stronger it burns.
I talk a lot about the teachings of Buddha, and the Dalai Lama, at the heart, they are about compassion, mindfulness, meditation. I am not Buddhist for one reason. I believe in a higher power. I am a logical thinker, I very much believe in cause and effect, but I have felt things that lead me to believe that something is there. What is hardest for me I think, is that people here are not receptive to someone practising Hinduism, or Buddhism. I believe all Gods are one God, no matter what name you want to give him or her. But there is so much fear put behind Christianity for me. "If you don't believe in a Christian God and his son, you are going to Hell, and will burn in eternal torture." This is a scary concept that is so pushed on someone. I believe in the core of religion, to create a more compassionate, good person. Scaring me into something doesn't feel right. I have went that route, and I wasn't satisfied. I did not feel loved.
I see us, as a people, much differently. So many heated issues going on in the world and here in the U.S. But I see my compassion has grown. Yes I am for equality of people, but I tend to look at the whole world more, and not just where I live. The struggles of different nations. We all have our own struggles, but what are we really fighting for and against? Many things and issues seem silly to me now. One religious group wants to attack people because they want equal rights to be married, seems simple enough. Why spend so much time arguing this, when there are people, children, starving to death, world hunger, housing issues, sanitation issues, environmental issues! There is a priority that I think we as the human family have forgotten. When a person would rather hold a sign in protest that says "god hates fags" then help a starving child get food, then I feel there is something wrong. We are dependent beings, and thus we need to think of everyone. I am for equality, but I would rather spend my energy smartly and stop spreading hate.
One thing that seems to hold me back a lot is the fact that I am a diabetic, I need health insurance to live. If not for that fact, I don't feel I would be here. I can read so many books, and listen to so many lectures, and dream of one day having the money to go to India, but I always have to factor in that I need to keep my job, I need to pay for my insulin. It is hard for me to be here and try to find my way. There is no temple, no teacher, no place for me to go to seek the knowledge I so desperately want. I need to put more effort in, but also I see that living in a western culture does make things more difficult, and that just makes my thirst stronger.
As I touch on difficulty, I find it horrifying, that it can be so difficult to find a spiritual path, but yet we here in the U.S have it so easy! I often meditate on the fact that when we need something, it is always a short drive to the store. Fast food on every corner, yet we blind ourselves from the fact that there is a huge hunger problem in the world. I remember one day, driving by a McDonald's, and the sign was buy one Big Mac, get one free. I was so taken aback. We allow children in our human family to starve, but we will give away food like that (even if it isn't so good for you.) It makes me so sad. Living here, and seeing things the way I do now, is humbling.
So look out for more. I am trying to keep this blog to my journey. I will be throwing up a donation link soon, once I am done with the website, so I can go to India. I wish to volunteer there, sadly only for a month, because I must work. But never have I wanted, and felt like I had to do something so much. But that is for another post :)
I talk a lot about the teachings of Buddha, and the Dalai Lama, at the heart, they are about compassion, mindfulness, meditation. I am not Buddhist for one reason. I believe in a higher power. I am a logical thinker, I very much believe in cause and effect, but I have felt things that lead me to believe that something is there. What is hardest for me I think, is that people here are not receptive to someone practising Hinduism, or Buddhism. I believe all Gods are one God, no matter what name you want to give him or her. But there is so much fear put behind Christianity for me. "If you don't believe in a Christian God and his son, you are going to Hell, and will burn in eternal torture." This is a scary concept that is so pushed on someone. I believe in the core of religion, to create a more compassionate, good person. Scaring me into something doesn't feel right. I have went that route, and I wasn't satisfied. I did not feel loved.
I see us, as a people, much differently. So many heated issues going on in the world and here in the U.S. But I see my compassion has grown. Yes I am for equality of people, but I tend to look at the whole world more, and not just where I live. The struggles of different nations. We all have our own struggles, but what are we really fighting for and against? Many things and issues seem silly to me now. One religious group wants to attack people because they want equal rights to be married, seems simple enough. Why spend so much time arguing this, when there are people, children, starving to death, world hunger, housing issues, sanitation issues, environmental issues! There is a priority that I think we as the human family have forgotten. When a person would rather hold a sign in protest that says "god hates fags" then help a starving child get food, then I feel there is something wrong. We are dependent beings, and thus we need to think of everyone. I am for equality, but I would rather spend my energy smartly and stop spreading hate.
One thing that seems to hold me back a lot is the fact that I am a diabetic, I need health insurance to live. If not for that fact, I don't feel I would be here. I can read so many books, and listen to so many lectures, and dream of one day having the money to go to India, but I always have to factor in that I need to keep my job, I need to pay for my insulin. It is hard for me to be here and try to find my way. There is no temple, no teacher, no place for me to go to seek the knowledge I so desperately want. I need to put more effort in, but also I see that living in a western culture does make things more difficult, and that just makes my thirst stronger.
As I touch on difficulty, I find it horrifying, that it can be so difficult to find a spiritual path, but yet we here in the U.S have it so easy! I often meditate on the fact that when we need something, it is always a short drive to the store. Fast food on every corner, yet we blind ourselves from the fact that there is a huge hunger problem in the world. I remember one day, driving by a McDonald's, and the sign was buy one Big Mac, get one free. I was so taken aback. We allow children in our human family to starve, but we will give away food like that (even if it isn't so good for you.) It makes me so sad. Living here, and seeing things the way I do now, is humbling.
So look out for more. I am trying to keep this blog to my journey. I will be throwing up a donation link soon, once I am done with the website, so I can go to India. I wish to volunteer there, sadly only for a month, because I must work. But never have I wanted, and felt like I had to do something so much. But that is for another post :)
Saturday, May 5, 2012
In the moment, In control
I have a friend, whom I met out of a very deep depression. We shared many of the same circumstances growing up, had many of the same hardships. As life has went on (oh I'd say about 13 years give or take), my friend still seems so stuck in this struggle. She suffers great depression, and sadness. Her outlook on life, and her outlook on herself are not good. To top things off, she has had several deaths in her family of recent. We talk often, maybe once a week, and I talk to her a lot about the transformation in me, and how I view life now. I just hope that I can ease any of her suffering, that is my goal. I in no way push anything on her, we just have an open discussion.
But this really got me thinking about my own life, and how I was so stuck on the suffering of my past, how I look at myself and my body, and how I react to things around me.
One method I have found useful is that, even if you don't really believe something, repetitiveness will strengthen that belief. When I look at my self, I can't compare myself to some person I think is more beautiful. I look at what truly matters, I look at myself as I am, skin, bone, blood, and I can look at all people that way. The outer appearance will fade. The Dalai Lama said in a book he wrote, that if we were all under an x-ray machine, what do you see? We all would look relatively the same, bones, eye sockets, etc. When you start comparing yourself to others, see them as they really are, the physical composition of blood, bone, flesh, and look at yourself the same, through time, you will really start to feel better about yourself, because you aren't comparing yourself to something that doesn't matter.
On the suffering of my past, this has been much harder. There are people and things in my past I never thought I would forgive. My enemies. One thing I have come to see is that I couldn't be taught forgiveness, or patience without them. It is a hard thing to think of these people with any compassion. So I tried looking deeper at their actions. One thing all have in common is that we all want to be free of suffering, and seek happiness. In this, I know, that whatever their reasons were, and however they decided to act on those thoughts, they were seeking happiness, as am I. Look at the worst war criminal, what are their main reasosn behind their actions? In their mind, the actions they take, are what they believe will bring them happiness, everything a person does is towards this cause. The difference is seeing what is true happiness, and what is normal happiness (which isn't true happiness.) If I have the expectation that a piece of chocolate will make me happy, and I absolutely must have it, I eat it, and I am happy, but if you look into this, it isn't true happiness, because if I were to keep eating this chocolate, I would definitely be suffering! Haha! These passing moments that we believe are happiness, really aren't. If you see this, and turn your focus towards finding true happiness, it will stick. So take a person from my past, lets take the topic of sexual abuse of a child. This had many horrible affects on my life as I got older, (I will not get into that.) As I think back at how much hatred I held for this person, I see all the things that it affected in my life. Yes it was a bad thing that happened, and yes, a person doesn't just move on, it will affect things in your life in a negative way. But at some point you need to see these things as they are, and stop allowing yourself to be affected by them. That is where I hope to help my friend. If it is years after the actual offenses, then only you are creating the problems. My depression, my suicidal thoughts, all were because I would dwell on the past, I would bring back those memories, and replay them in my mind, I am causing my suffering. I can come to an understanding that the person that did these things to me, at the heart of the matter, was not purely to hurt me, but because they had enjoyment from it, they thought that they were gaining a happiness (in a very selfish way), but I can accept that that is a common bond of all sentient beings, and once I can understand this common bond, I can forgive and start to move on.
But I will not let myself dwell on this and cause myself continuous suffering. On the other side of this coin, is thinking about the future, what might happen with this person, or that person, situations similar to past, that might happen, or holding someone to unreal and impossible standards (the white knight in shining armor), If I am expecting these things, I am causing myself fear, and anxiety, and when a person doesn't hold up to a standard I have created in my mind that no one in the world can live up to, then you set yourself up for failure as well, because you will become unsatisfied with everyone.
Another recent talk we had was about her fear of how certain family members seem to attack her, guilt her, make her feel bad about herself, but to accomplish the goal she set, there is no way of avoiding them. This is something we all deal with. If I go to so and so's, then I have to deal with so and so. I see this with almost every family, lol! I myself deal with this, if I want to go see this person, I inevitably have to see and deal with this person. And I did that recently. As I found, I didn't have to let myself be affected by them. They said what they wanted, made the accusations they felt they needed, and I sat in meditation. I let them talk, and in my head I was quite, and mindful of myself, reminding myself that their words, and their thoughts do NOT have to make me feel any way. Find refuge in mindfulness. It can save you a lot of problems. There are times that I walk away and am upset at the things they said. No one and nothing is perfect, but don't get down on yourself about it. Thoughts will come in while meditating, just acknowledge them, and move on, it is a natural thing. But when faced with this situation, ask yourself "where are my feet." Concentrate on the here and now, meditate, free your mind, concentrate on how the air feels entering your nose, how you nostrils flair and feel the cold, concentrate on the whole process of breathing. Then they can say whatever they feel they need to say to you, but you don't have to let it affect you and make you feel bad.
I do this with my boss as well, when she is in a rant, I can hear the sound of a voice, so I can stay enough in the moment to not act like I am just not listening, but I try to just step back, almost like you are standing next to your own body, you can see her yelling and whatever else, and when it is done, just step right back in, and walk away, the situation is over, took 5 minutes, instead of ruining my day, or week. She feels she needs to do this, I don't need to be a part of it, so I chose not to be. Now this is not saying to not stand up for yourself, you have every right to comment back, and many times I do. A simple "I am sorry you feel the need to treat people like this" or "when you are ready to talk like an adult, I will come back." If it is a really bad situation, you can report it, but you don't need to add to the moment of their anger.
This is the message I hope to express. It is a moment, it will soon be the past, and therefore, nothing to dwell on, worrying about the future and what my boss might say or do, is not real, hasn't even happened, so why work myself up? Why worry. All this time spent on past and future are causing great suffering to yourself, physically, mentally. People exercise their bodies all the time, but we need to also exercise our minds. It is the same concept, you can train your mind to quiet that voice that creates this suffering, and the more you do this, the happier you are, this is logic. My /your past and my/your future depend on what I/you do today. Instead of letting these things bother you and cause all this suffering, you chose to not let it bother you. So when you do look back, you see your past differently, not as a depression, because you didn't allow it to be at the time.
It is really how you live today, in the moment, wherever your feet are. If you change how you are now, your past won't be depression, and your future wont be anxiety, because you are in control of this.
But this really got me thinking about my own life, and how I was so stuck on the suffering of my past, how I look at myself and my body, and how I react to things around me.
One method I have found useful is that, even if you don't really believe something, repetitiveness will strengthen that belief. When I look at my self, I can't compare myself to some person I think is more beautiful. I look at what truly matters, I look at myself as I am, skin, bone, blood, and I can look at all people that way. The outer appearance will fade. The Dalai Lama said in a book he wrote, that if we were all under an x-ray machine, what do you see? We all would look relatively the same, bones, eye sockets, etc. When you start comparing yourself to others, see them as they really are, the physical composition of blood, bone, flesh, and look at yourself the same, through time, you will really start to feel better about yourself, because you aren't comparing yourself to something that doesn't matter.
On the suffering of my past, this has been much harder. There are people and things in my past I never thought I would forgive. My enemies. One thing I have come to see is that I couldn't be taught forgiveness, or patience without them. It is a hard thing to think of these people with any compassion. So I tried looking deeper at their actions. One thing all have in common is that we all want to be free of suffering, and seek happiness. In this, I know, that whatever their reasons were, and however they decided to act on those thoughts, they were seeking happiness, as am I. Look at the worst war criminal, what are their main reasosn behind their actions? In their mind, the actions they take, are what they believe will bring them happiness, everything a person does is towards this cause. The difference is seeing what is true happiness, and what is normal happiness (which isn't true happiness.) If I have the expectation that a piece of chocolate will make me happy, and I absolutely must have it, I eat it, and I am happy, but if you look into this, it isn't true happiness, because if I were to keep eating this chocolate, I would definitely be suffering! Haha! These passing moments that we believe are happiness, really aren't. If you see this, and turn your focus towards finding true happiness, it will stick. So take a person from my past, lets take the topic of sexual abuse of a child. This had many horrible affects on my life as I got older, (I will not get into that.) As I think back at how much hatred I held for this person, I see all the things that it affected in my life. Yes it was a bad thing that happened, and yes, a person doesn't just move on, it will affect things in your life in a negative way. But at some point you need to see these things as they are, and stop allowing yourself to be affected by them. That is where I hope to help my friend. If it is years after the actual offenses, then only you are creating the problems. My depression, my suicidal thoughts, all were because I would dwell on the past, I would bring back those memories, and replay them in my mind, I am causing my suffering. I can come to an understanding that the person that did these things to me, at the heart of the matter, was not purely to hurt me, but because they had enjoyment from it, they thought that they were gaining a happiness (in a very selfish way), but I can accept that that is a common bond of all sentient beings, and once I can understand this common bond, I can forgive and start to move on.
But I will not let myself dwell on this and cause myself continuous suffering. On the other side of this coin, is thinking about the future, what might happen with this person, or that person, situations similar to past, that might happen, or holding someone to unreal and impossible standards (the white knight in shining armor), If I am expecting these things, I am causing myself fear, and anxiety, and when a person doesn't hold up to a standard I have created in my mind that no one in the world can live up to, then you set yourself up for failure as well, because you will become unsatisfied with everyone.
Another recent talk we had was about her fear of how certain family members seem to attack her, guilt her, make her feel bad about herself, but to accomplish the goal she set, there is no way of avoiding them. This is something we all deal with. If I go to so and so's, then I have to deal with so and so. I see this with almost every family, lol! I myself deal with this, if I want to go see this person, I inevitably have to see and deal with this person. And I did that recently. As I found, I didn't have to let myself be affected by them. They said what they wanted, made the accusations they felt they needed, and I sat in meditation. I let them talk, and in my head I was quite, and mindful of myself, reminding myself that their words, and their thoughts do NOT have to make me feel any way. Find refuge in mindfulness. It can save you a lot of problems. There are times that I walk away and am upset at the things they said. No one and nothing is perfect, but don't get down on yourself about it. Thoughts will come in while meditating, just acknowledge them, and move on, it is a natural thing. But when faced with this situation, ask yourself "where are my feet." Concentrate on the here and now, meditate, free your mind, concentrate on how the air feels entering your nose, how you nostrils flair and feel the cold, concentrate on the whole process of breathing. Then they can say whatever they feel they need to say to you, but you don't have to let it affect you and make you feel bad.
I do this with my boss as well, when she is in a rant, I can hear the sound of a voice, so I can stay enough in the moment to not act like I am just not listening, but I try to just step back, almost like you are standing next to your own body, you can see her yelling and whatever else, and when it is done, just step right back in, and walk away, the situation is over, took 5 minutes, instead of ruining my day, or week. She feels she needs to do this, I don't need to be a part of it, so I chose not to be. Now this is not saying to not stand up for yourself, you have every right to comment back, and many times I do. A simple "I am sorry you feel the need to treat people like this" or "when you are ready to talk like an adult, I will come back." If it is a really bad situation, you can report it, but you don't need to add to the moment of their anger.
This is the message I hope to express. It is a moment, it will soon be the past, and therefore, nothing to dwell on, worrying about the future and what my boss might say or do, is not real, hasn't even happened, so why work myself up? Why worry. All this time spent on past and future are causing great suffering to yourself, physically, mentally. People exercise their bodies all the time, but we need to also exercise our minds. It is the same concept, you can train your mind to quiet that voice that creates this suffering, and the more you do this, the happier you are, this is logic. My /your past and my/your future depend on what I/you do today. Instead of letting these things bother you and cause all this suffering, you chose to not let it bother you. So when you do look back, you see your past differently, not as a depression, because you didn't allow it to be at the time.
It is really how you live today, in the moment, wherever your feet are. If you change how you are now, your past won't be depression, and your future wont be anxiety, because you are in control of this.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Reflections on compassion
So many things go through my head, so many thoughts, it is so hard to tame. This transformation in my life is literally one of the hardest things I have ever done and probably ever will. The more I am mindful that we are all interdependent and connected, the more I notice little things about myself and others, and it tends to be in my head almost as a constant. How people react to things, or others, how they think and feel about topics. I am noticing that we tend to throw our perspectives out like truth, and this is something I do myself, quite often. Jumping to conclusions, making accusations, and judging people by feelings and situations, on your perspective based on feelings and images, and not on any sort of reality.
A couple examples. So awhile ago (really what started my transformation) I had a rather nasty run in with a nurse at the hospital that I work in. Her laptops weren't connecting to a wireless signal, I went to fix them. She was upset, saying they hadn't worked for several days, I wanted to know when she had called so I could find out why it took us several days to get this fixed, she responded that she didn't have time to call us, she was a busy person (in a not so nice tone.) Now being in the IT field I am use to people thinking I am suppose to read minds, and have magical fixing fairy dust, but sometimes it still catches me off guard, the absolute rudeness of some people. She proceeded to be rude, talking poorly about me across the room, in front of patients. When I finally got back, I was shaking with anger. I won't get into the long story of that.
What I have come to realize is that I don't have to react to her reality. Just because she wanted to be rude and upset, didn't mean I had to react in turn. I find it hard to just let someone act that way, and not react. In my cubicle, I called her very bad names, thought she wasn't a good person, and in hindsight, I realize that things don't pop into existence. A table doesn't just become a table, it is a combination of many different things and events that brought it to be. I don't know what events led up to her being so upset, or choosing to treat a person the way she did, but I can't be cruel in return. I can not say she is a bad person, based on one incident that I didn't see the events leading up to. I don't even know her!
I see this a lot in everyday life. We react to something that we don't fully understand, and then we retaliate in anger. I feel bad for calling her the names I did. I am sure she is a good person, and I know she has good qualities, this is rational thinking.
My second example is a friend of mine wanted to go on a camping trip. This trip had a monetary cost to it, and was very bad timing for me. He is the type of person that really gets his heart set on something, and takes it hard when it doesn't pan out. He is a very logical thinker, but he has a big heart, and he feels deeply. I couldn't get out of work for this (well almost impossible) and as I am closing on a house only 8 days before this trip, financially, I didn't see it as a responsible move. I am trying to save money, and it is kind of all tied into the purchase of a house. I know he would be bummed out, and I didn't want to tell him this, but I also felt as a friend he would understand. After breaking my bad news, I took every little thing as bad. We had been talking and then he just stopped talking, blamed the trip not working as a "lack of interest" which it wasn't. But I kept on thinking to myself "how can my friend not understand and accept my situation?" I was so upset, thinking he was being selfish, only caring for himself. I was really in turmoil over this. Then when we did finally speak, there was no anger from him. I am sure he wasn't that happy, but I don't feel he was sitting there thinking to himself "I want this trip, it's 8 days after her closing, her money is tight, she makes good money, so she must be lying, and I don't care, because 'I' want this."
I lose touch with reality, and mostly with my perceptions, these scenarios in my head.
Now when I realize that a situation is arising, I sit back, let whoever say and feel what and how they want. In my mind (as with the nurse) I think while they rant, I think to myself how I am not angry with them, I am sad for them, that they feel the need to live this way, to physically stress their bodies out, and for what? That they feel the right to treat others the way they do. And with this, my anger diminishes, and my compassion grows. As with my friends, I try to realize that I can only do what I can do, if they feel a certain way, I can't stop, nor change that. But I can't create dramas in my head and then feel so hateful towards another. This is not growth, and it is not helpful. I just need to take 5 sometimes and check myself with reality.
One of the biggest things I need to do is realize that everything is a product of many things. Every action I take is a building block. Take the table for instance. If you take away the carpenter, or the seed, or the soil, the table wouldn't be in existence. If I can take away my perceptions, and be more compassionate, what will change? How will I make a situation different? In the instance of the nurse, she would still have had her reality, but my day wouldn't have been spent upset and angry, I did that to myself, the situation only need one change, and that change was me.
Once I start to look at things of this nature, I realize that a lot (if not all) my problems are my own. And just in seeing this, and really trying to be different, I am seeing huge change. I am more happy, things are much better at my job, I have a general happiness that really shows and gravitates to others, and I can see it in my interactions with co workers, with strangers. It is just unbelievable, when you actually can see with your mind and not just what is in front of your eyes.
A couple examples. So awhile ago (really what started my transformation) I had a rather nasty run in with a nurse at the hospital that I work in. Her laptops weren't connecting to a wireless signal, I went to fix them. She was upset, saying they hadn't worked for several days, I wanted to know when she had called so I could find out why it took us several days to get this fixed, she responded that she didn't have time to call us, she was a busy person (in a not so nice tone.) Now being in the IT field I am use to people thinking I am suppose to read minds, and have magical fixing fairy dust, but sometimes it still catches me off guard, the absolute rudeness of some people. She proceeded to be rude, talking poorly about me across the room, in front of patients. When I finally got back, I was shaking with anger. I won't get into the long story of that.
What I have come to realize is that I don't have to react to her reality. Just because she wanted to be rude and upset, didn't mean I had to react in turn. I find it hard to just let someone act that way, and not react. In my cubicle, I called her very bad names, thought she wasn't a good person, and in hindsight, I realize that things don't pop into existence. A table doesn't just become a table, it is a combination of many different things and events that brought it to be. I don't know what events led up to her being so upset, or choosing to treat a person the way she did, but I can't be cruel in return. I can not say she is a bad person, based on one incident that I didn't see the events leading up to. I don't even know her!
I see this a lot in everyday life. We react to something that we don't fully understand, and then we retaliate in anger. I feel bad for calling her the names I did. I am sure she is a good person, and I know she has good qualities, this is rational thinking.
My second example is a friend of mine wanted to go on a camping trip. This trip had a monetary cost to it, and was very bad timing for me. He is the type of person that really gets his heart set on something, and takes it hard when it doesn't pan out. He is a very logical thinker, but he has a big heart, and he feels deeply. I couldn't get out of work for this (well almost impossible) and as I am closing on a house only 8 days before this trip, financially, I didn't see it as a responsible move. I am trying to save money, and it is kind of all tied into the purchase of a house. I know he would be bummed out, and I didn't want to tell him this, but I also felt as a friend he would understand. After breaking my bad news, I took every little thing as bad. We had been talking and then he just stopped talking, blamed the trip not working as a "lack of interest" which it wasn't. But I kept on thinking to myself "how can my friend not understand and accept my situation?" I was so upset, thinking he was being selfish, only caring for himself. I was really in turmoil over this. Then when we did finally speak, there was no anger from him. I am sure he wasn't that happy, but I don't feel he was sitting there thinking to himself "I want this trip, it's 8 days after her closing, her money is tight, she makes good money, so she must be lying, and I don't care, because 'I' want this."
I lose touch with reality, and mostly with my perceptions, these scenarios in my head.
Now when I realize that a situation is arising, I sit back, let whoever say and feel what and how they want. In my mind (as with the nurse) I think while they rant, I think to myself how I am not angry with them, I am sad for them, that they feel the need to live this way, to physically stress their bodies out, and for what? That they feel the right to treat others the way they do. And with this, my anger diminishes, and my compassion grows. As with my friends, I try to realize that I can only do what I can do, if they feel a certain way, I can't stop, nor change that. But I can't create dramas in my head and then feel so hateful towards another. This is not growth, and it is not helpful. I just need to take 5 sometimes and check myself with reality.
One of the biggest things I need to do is realize that everything is a product of many things. Every action I take is a building block. Take the table for instance. If you take away the carpenter, or the seed, or the soil, the table wouldn't be in existence. If I can take away my perceptions, and be more compassionate, what will change? How will I make a situation different? In the instance of the nurse, she would still have had her reality, but my day wouldn't have been spent upset and angry, I did that to myself, the situation only need one change, and that change was me.
Once I start to look at things of this nature, I realize that a lot (if not all) my problems are my own. And just in seeing this, and really trying to be different, I am seeing huge change. I am more happy, things are much better at my job, I have a general happiness that really shows and gravitates to others, and I can see it in my interactions with co workers, with strangers. It is just unbelievable, when you actually can see with your mind and not just what is in front of your eyes.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
This is the journey I am taking, I am taking this journey for you...
I would just like to clear a few things up for others who read here. This is my journey to happiness. If you don't agree, you simply don't have to. But there is no room here for negativity. Many people think Buddhist practices are nihilistic, and anti-christian. Which it is neither. It is logic. It is my decision. To practice the teachings is for everyone and anyone who wants to be a more compassionate, happy being. It is not an easy path, but you get what you put in. Buddha is not Divine, he was a man who wanted to teach people the logic behind suffering, and overcoming suffering. His word is not infallible. If science proves something wrong, Buddhism adjusts to the scientific outlook, as long as it proves true. The Dalai Lama wrote that every religion is capable of creating compassionate beings, and that is the goal.
The title of my blog came from a wonderful blog post I read a awhile back, that can be seen here:
5 Lessons about Being Present: Freedom is Where My Feet Are
I hope you all read this. Fear, anxiety, depression, if you look, is caused by nothing but one's own "self". If you are constantly replaying the past, which has no basis anymore, or worrying about things that might happen in the future, which isn't even a reality, you will suffer. If you can train your mind to live in the moment, to simply acknowledge that your mind is wandering, and bring it back to the moment, to where your feet are, you can overcome those sufferings, those fears, that depression. I myself find it very hard, as I am always dwelling on whats been, and fearing what can happen, so my life was spent in a constant anxiety and depression. I realize now that the past is the past, anything I create in my head about the future, simply isn't real, it's the future, it's an unknown! I still make plans for the future, you still have to use a common sense, but why create so much suffering for yourself by fearing it?
My past and my future depend on today. What I do now in this moment, in this day, will affect how I feel about my past, I won't be able to change what I have done, and it will affect my future, as does everything we do. So I chose to live more in the moment, and make everyday worth it, because what else am I trading a day of my life for, if not to do good in this world?
So this is the journey I am taking, and I am taking this journey for you. We are interdependent beings, we like to think we are special and independent, but really, everyone depends on someone and/or something. I chose to take this path, so that I might make the world a better place for all.
So thank you for reading. And remember, if in your day you become angry, depressed, high anxiety. Ask yourself where your feet are, bring your mind back to the present. The more you practice this, the easier it becomes, and you will find yourself less stressed, because you are more in there here and now, and the here and now is what you make of it.
The title of my blog came from a wonderful blog post I read a awhile back, that can be seen here:
5 Lessons about Being Present: Freedom is Where My Feet Are
I hope you all read this. Fear, anxiety, depression, if you look, is caused by nothing but one's own "self". If you are constantly replaying the past, which has no basis anymore, or worrying about things that might happen in the future, which isn't even a reality, you will suffer. If you can train your mind to live in the moment, to simply acknowledge that your mind is wandering, and bring it back to the moment, to where your feet are, you can overcome those sufferings, those fears, that depression. I myself find it very hard, as I am always dwelling on whats been, and fearing what can happen, so my life was spent in a constant anxiety and depression. I realize now that the past is the past, anything I create in my head about the future, simply isn't real, it's the future, it's an unknown! I still make plans for the future, you still have to use a common sense, but why create so much suffering for yourself by fearing it?
My past and my future depend on today. What I do now in this moment, in this day, will affect how I feel about my past, I won't be able to change what I have done, and it will affect my future, as does everything we do. So I chose to live more in the moment, and make everyday worth it, because what else am I trading a day of my life for, if not to do good in this world?
So this is the journey I am taking, and I am taking this journey for you. We are interdependent beings, we like to think we are special and independent, but really, everyone depends on someone and/or something. I chose to take this path, so that I might make the world a better place for all.
So thank you for reading. And remember, if in your day you become angry, depressed, high anxiety. Ask yourself where your feet are, bring your mind back to the present. The more you practice this, the easier it becomes, and you will find yourself less stressed, because you are more in there here and now, and the here and now is what you make of it.
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