Feel a feeling

Another Sunday, another procrastinated spur to get up and do something. I am ever so thankful I did. Today's service was excellent. Walked into the sound of people and laughter. Hugs and handshakes. There were two amazing songs. One was Saint Francis Prayer and the next was a Tibetan Buddhist Prayer. Equally beautiful and meaningful. 

I laughed because the Saint Francis Prayer is my mantra for meditation. In case you don't know it, or well, just because the words are so beautiful and universal:

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.

O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.

This definitely gave me time for some reflection in how I have been feeling and treating others of late. It is so hard for me to remember sometimes, compassion. I get hooked so quickly, and then my mind runs with it. The anger and fear. 

There was a guided meditation today, a beautiful visual guided meditation. I felt so much energy, so much love. I felt a feeling today. Which is something I have been struggling with. Feel a feeling, physically. Then let it go. I was asked to remove thought from the feeling. Don't get caught up in where that feeling was taking me. Just focus on how it felt. Then move it and let it go. It was a very powerful experience. A lesson I really needed some in depth instruction on. I am so thankful I went for this reason. The things that were bothering me, were but stones in my pocket, as I put those stones in the bowl, light basked the room. Those thoughts were just thoughts. And as someone I know likes to point out, thoughts are nothing. They are electrical impulses in my head. I do not need to jump in the stream and go down river with them. Just because I am physically feeling them, does not mean I have to let them run or ruin my life.

Saint Micheal was there to give advice, and support. I know that as everyone filed out to go downstairs and have lunch, I sat. First I sat in reflection, then I sat waiting. For what I am unsure. I think it was to see of someone would stop and say anything. But I realized that this action was my own. I can't wait for someone to save me. So there I sat, praying and meditating. I asked for support, guidance, help, and love. I felt surrounded by something. I lost physical feeling of my body, but felt a warmth as if someone has holding my hands. I can only take that as that. It was my experience. It was like the world fell away, and there I was, but there I wasn't. I didn't feel physically sitting on that pew, I couldn't feel the pressure of the seat, the floor under my feet. I couldn't even feel my hands touching. I felt weightless, groundless. I felt a true and honest connection with the world, with all. I was in that moment everything. My feet were not there, they were everywhere, as was I.

I am unsure how long I sat, or how many tears streamed down my face. But I was basked in a light. I was healing, I was present. I was there.  This is my truth and it was beautiful. 

Just where are my feet?!

This path is one that I have always been on. The practice is what falters. I think that it is the easier route, but on the long run, provides to be the longer, more difficult path, because I always come back. I think about how the same issues keep bringing me back to this place, and how every time I am having a difficult time, even though I know how much better I feel with meditation, rightful thought and life, I still do the same habitual solutions. I wouldn't even call it a solution, because over the last several years, I still run into the same issues, the same problems, the same suffering. So why wouldn't I try something different. Why wouldn't I want to break away from this habitual downward spiral? Because of fear, fear of having the ground ripped out from under me, even though that groundlessness might be exactly what I need.

It is that spark that needs to be kept, that fire that I need to keep burning. I need to tend to it, and add that kindling, the fire will not burn on it's own, and without proper help, will burn out. i read something today that helps me understand just that:

 For instance, say that the sensation is the agreeable sound of a bird, Pay attention only to the process that allows you to hear the sound — sound waves making contact with your ear and being transmitted to your brain, which analyzes the contact and give rise to a mental impression or feeling. Remind yourself, “This is a pleasant feeling. It has arisen depending on these factors. When these factors disappear, this pleasant feeling will also disappear..” Return your attention to the breath. 

Bhante Henepola Gunaratana. The Four Foundations of Mindfulness in Plain English (Page 90). Wisdom Publications (2012).

When I do not tend to the oven that the fire is burning in, that is keeping that fire going, those pleasant feelings disappear. In any religion, or belief, whether it be prayer, meditation, dance. We all do something to keep that alive, to keep it fresh and ever present. I have started the process again. Classes, readings, and today I went to an interfaith church. It was most enjoyable. Me being of shy mind, I wasn't sure what to think. I also knew... I was going to be late! As I stood in the driveway waiting to go, I took a deep breath. Several deep breathes. I thought to myself, what will happen if I am late? Will the world end? No.... Will the people be angry? Let them be, that is not my problem. Will every one turn and stare at me awkwardly? So what? Conversation piece to break the ice at least! So as I called down, I felt better. I made it there, a very nice woman pointed me in the direction inside, it hadn't even started yet, there was talking, laughter, people milling around. So there I was, just fine, the worry for nothing. I found a seat.

At first it was like my old Lutheran Church, sit down, stand up, everyone sing this hymn/prayer that is the in laminated paper in the pew. But it was a prayer of interconnectedness. The first line was one that you wish peace to all things. A universal message of love and peace. Unity of all. Exactly what I believe and wish for. There was a meditation, a guest speaker. To see so many people, from d=so many different belief systems, all together, in love and hope and happiness. It was wonderful. I thought, why did I procrastinate coming here today? I honestly almost stayed home on the couch and did nothing! I would have missed out on this wonderful experience! There was a circle where people held hands in prayer, then lined up to walk out and a woman hugged me.

After this, service went downstairs to have community lunch. I have to admit, this was my most feared moment. Being that outsider. There was this bright woman, just beaming, she reminded me of Diane Keaton, with her black circular rimmed glasses, and hat. Even some of her mannerisms. She asked me some questions, told me to feel free to sit with them at their table if I wanted, and was genuinely very honest and kind. I am a bit timid and shy at first meeting, but I made an effort to talk. Another woman at the table told me how she loves it there, just a lot of happiness, and that even though there are different beliefs, it is all good. She told me a story from her life about the power of prayer, and how strong it is. She was very open, and very kind. I felt very welcomed. The Diane Keaton woman told me, very personally, that when she started going there, she had a lot going on, and would spend most of her Sundays in the first pew crying, and that she did that until she no longer felt like crying, and how the love and support of the community helped her. No one judged me for my beliefs, or even wanted to dig into what they were. Just being there, in the present moment. I know that I will go back, I have already had visions of down the road, and what I can do to help this community with my own skills. Having a community that is supportive and helpful.

it is a start, it is a new beginning. It is another avenue that connects to my path. I feel like taking it. Pema Chodron speaks about when you feel that feeling of being hooked, you need to choose something different. The hardest part is to continue the practice. Well, I am choosing something different. We will see what comes!

The Long Walk

This journey is certainly going to be long. As I take this path, there will definitely be rest stops and side roads. All of which I feel I have been on too much of late. I was going to say that I have been so lost, but I realize I have not. This time I have wandered down a side road, it is giving me something to think upon. View my actions, and change can be created upon that. So deep I fall into depression and anger. Lost and confused. Unwilling to look ahead, unwilling to take one step after another. The lotus inside me is so deep in the mud, but I feel it growing and pushing, trying to make its way to the surface, but every time I get close, I take a side road. I sit on that bench. There is a definite fear that grips me, my own mind? Holding me back. I know it is only myself that is doing this. Mind over matter. But yet, there it is. I want this so badly, yet I can't get myself to fully commit. It is something I don't understand right now. Something I am reflecting upon. So many excuses, there is no one here to relate, I have no time, I have no teacher.... All of which is false. I have all the time I want to give. My teacher is always with me, I am never alone.

 I have all the time I want to give. My teacher is always with me, I am never alone.

Tear Down This Wall...

One of a few of the most influential words and ideas of our history. Today has been a day of reflection for me. As an American, I will never know the impact of a physical wall that holds so much power. I will never know how it feels to be ready to die, just to pass through a gate. I will never truly know what it means to want freedom. I have never had to fight, literally for my life. As I think about the events, and ideals that led up to this, it definitely made me think. I was quite young in this decade of chaotic movement, and lived in a small town that seemed so apart from what was going on around me. A lot of jokes are made about the 80's and the outrageous, absurdity that took place. The intense level of excess that happened. The ridiculous hair, clothing, lingo, etc. How pop culture became mainstream, politics and Hollywood, melding into one. But out of the chaos came beautiful change. That is something to think about.

As a tree that bears excess fruit, it will only nourish the earth it rots upon. As a storm gathers to much energy, it is only doing its purpose. As humans live in reckless excess of material objects, it nourished the world. It gave a new perspective and hope to others. It literally crushed walls. There are two sides of this coin. We offered the idea of freedom, but what we really offered, was an image of what freedom is to us. A disfigured image that was created by us, and has now only multiplied the ideals that came with that image; power, wealth, excess....

If we taught peace, if we practiced love for not only our fellow humans. but of our mother earth, and offered that image as a freedom, what would the world be like now? As we grasp so tightly to the decade that brought about so much change, we seem so ignorant. We offered the idea of change, but yet we don't offer that to ourselves. Respect for ourselves, and our bodies, our home, our neighbors is lacking. We are in the year 2013, and yet one of the most important decades in our short history is still so strong.

Let us move on, let us give in to change. Let us tear down these walls we have built ourselves. We as a nation wanted to help a land break down the barriers of their own freedom and happiness, one of the greatest gifts we could have given, yet we build walls against those that look different, speak different, love differently than ourselves. Hypocrisy! All is love, that is what we are aiming for. If we are to take the role of the servant, and seek to help all fellow humans on this earth, then why hold them to so many personal judgements?  Your gay, your not white, you don't speak English, your not Christian.  How does that make a person any less than someone with those qualities? We are ALL equal. We are ALL human. We are ALL family.How can you as one person, feel you have the right to pass judgement?

I have a new resolution to myself. Every time I want to judge, I feel that poison crawl into my mind, I will simply say "Tear down this wall." Those four words resonate so much to me. In an instant I am reminded of suffering, of hope, of my fellow humans. I don't know a person on this Earth who lived through that that isn't impacted emotionally. Chaos brings with it good and bad. We need to not only look at how we reflect that chaos, but how to change the chaos. Imagine if all the people in this world, for one day, laid down all their hatred and anger, and just loved each other  Imagine if that was what was reflected. The next day, as men take up their guns, governments take from their people, women are forced into prostitution, and children rob for food, how hard will it be to continue this hatred, when you can reflect on the love of just one day? The weight it lifted from you, the peace it gave you. Like a good meditation, that you can reflect on when life gets stressful. You look for that peace to calm your mind. How could one go on hating, when they felt love for just one day?

So I say to you... Tear down this wall. 

  

Writings on the Wall Project @ FSU

Like It or Not

Not really a poem, just some rambling thoughts I needed to get out of my head


We are one family
Interconnected by our own design
Colors of skin melt away with the erasing of time
And change with the brilliance of the sun

We hustle and we bustle
We order food, we become obese
We forget about the hunters and the gatherers
The tribesmen, the nomads
We forget about a world
Outside our own
filled with beautiful people
that inside we all know

Facial features
Developed over time
Do not change what we are inside
Blood and bone
Sweat and tears
All beat into this Earth
Over the many years

How can you say you are better than me?
What puts you above anybody?
Your status in life, the path you choose?
But how do you measure your life to another
What dictates poverty?
You can have all that money can buy
But you can still be lonely
We all can still cry

Like it or not
You are tied to me
Deep inside, it will set you free
When you harm another
You hurt your own family
It spreads through this world
The deadliest of disease

I worry for those I have never met
I spread hope through the choices of my life
Every action on this Earth
Is the result of one thought put into motion
One thought…now think about that
So what will you contribute today?

Every Moment is a Moment

Came home today, and words were flowing through my mind, sat down, and this is what came of it... Enjoy! Remember, every moment is a moment, good or bad, long or short. Embrace it, learn from it. Be in that moment, and love.

Sometimes you are brushed by the hand of fate

Sometimes you barely glance at someone great

You might not know it

Till years down the road

When looking back…

You were touched by gold

The stranger sitting outside the bar

Smoking their cigarette

Or getting in their car

A brief glance, maybe an obliging smile

Never quite knowing the soul

Residing there, all the while

That friend of a friend

That showed up to hang

Spirits flowed, and guitars sang

A moment in time

That you’d almost forget

Casual conversation

And a memory aged silhouette

Little embers of greatness

That for a time warmed your soul

Small little encounters

That you would barely know

Because sometimes you are brushed by the hand of fate

Sometimes you barely glance at someone great

You might not know it

Till years down the road

When looking back…

You were touched by gold

So remember this

In every moment you breathe

Everyone around you

Has a story to leave

Whether you’re a chapter

Or an obscure reference within

Every moment is a moment

Where great things can begin….

Stop.... Breathe....

I have been forgetting to do this stop and breathe thing! Life has been so very hectic and up and down for me. The times I need to remember all that I have learned the most, is when I slip. But I always get back up. One foot in front of the other, in a forward kind of motion.

Work, personal life, family life, all of it....

In all those three aspects, I have opened my mind and my heart to these people. Yet I feel I am in a sinking ship. A ship that is to house their beliefs, and their thoughts. All is love. All paths are paths of love that lead to ultimate heaven. Pretty universal message to me. Yet the alienation is clear. I know I am never truly alone, if I only look within, but this notion of loneliness is a hard one to shrug off. Words are the most powerful weapons I can think of, because they stay rooted in my mind, floating around, just to resurface and bring about these powerful emotions. I am fine one minute, hurt and angry the next. This is what I am trying to overcome. This path I am on, is the right path for me. It is bringing me closer to God. I thought these people would be happy for me. But instead it seems they think I am against God, or that I am going to convert their loved ones. So they fight against this, but they are really fighting nothing. So I have turned to a more Eastern approach, why does this bother you so? I am not trying to convert your loved ones, why the need to research Hindu v.s. Christians? What is your purpose in that? What I need to learn is to not need to know your purpose or gain your acceptance. I have been so happy on this journey, why can't you accept that? It is my journey after all, I am in no way hurting you. Yet now there is an alienation. I am left out. I am no longer treated as a family member. I am looked at as perhaps an enemy, when I have done nothing to harm you.

All I have ever wanted in my life, is a close, loving family unit. And I thought that I was getting that. But as I sit looking at all the family emails I am left out of, the conversations about how many Hindi's persecute Christians... I mean really.... I am sorry if I am not the one you envisioned. But I am one, and I am love. And I am good. I want to bring goodness into the world, I want to spread God's love (no matter what you call him, or the path you take to him.) What exactly do you think I have done so wrong, to deserve so little respect?