So many years,
Now feels like so many lives…
I have searched
Walked down so many lies
I was so tired; I couldn’t remember your name
And then there was you
Found on a whim
Sought through a hymn
A fire smoldering in my soul
Brought forth by the sound of a note
Love now surrounds me
Is in my every thought
My actions are of the servant
I am only here to help
I see who I am, a simple reflection….
It is so easy to fall apart
Forget the path, forget my heart
To look around and feel emptiness
To forget the lives
And connectedness
And then there was you
Found on a whim
Sought through a hymn
A fire smoldering in my soul
Brought forth by the sound of a note
And then there is me
My heart and my mind are free
These tears I cry are no longer for me
They are for the struggles
Of our family
And then there is we
A simple reflection
Of most Holy
Struggling to find
A beautiful Unity
In the reflection of you
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
A Beautiful Story
"When the sun has set on a day, it is foolish to ask him to come back so that you can live the day once again. The sun will come back; but only to usher in another day. No one can go back, not even for a moment."
From Mahabharata
From Mahabharata
Monday, May 28, 2012
Ripples
Run your fingers through my soul
Connecting you, to me
How can we not all see?
Just close your eyes; transcend above the lies
And there we will be, in unity
And just be, feel what it is to be free
To bask in Holy light
To chase the fears from the night
To travel a path with me
That leads to such beauty
And just be, feel what it is to be free
You can find it in me
We will seek solace in Most High
While we travel hand in hand,
And mind to mind
Connecting you, to me
How can we not all see?
Just close your eyes; transcend above the lies
And there we will be, in unity
Just close your eyes
Close your eyesAnd just be, feel what it is to be free
I seek a mind like my own
To seek the knowledge of the CrownTo bask in Holy light
To chase the fears from the night
To travel a path with me
That leads to such beauty
Just close your eyes
Close your eyesAnd just be, feel what it is to be free
Just close your eyes
And just be, feel what it is to be freeYou can find it in me
We will travel the worlds
We will absorb the WordsWe will seek solace in Most High
While we travel hand in hand,
And mind to mind
Just close your eyes....
The Ashes Of My Soul
I came to you
a flickering flame
with a desire to feed
your soul, the perfect tinder
I fed off you, became ablaze
a burning image, an Angel of Fire
you loved me back, with an intensity that was frightening, dazzling
blinding to the eyes
the intensity of us was a force field
melting the ignorance of all who came near
I can still hear the screams....
See the doubt in me, burning
Still feel the heat of the fire....
As it rose, tiny sparks falling like snow all around us
with a life changing fire, raging in my soul
and then came the beginning
of the end
a funeral pyre for the ages
burned beyond belief
my scars more than skin deep
my fire smoldering
slowly dying away
ashes
floating like feathers stripped from a dying angel
set loose on a high wind
floating like feathers stripped from a dying angel
set loose on a high wind
traveling miles...
I want the hopes and dreams, I want the heat
the passion, the lust...
words of prophecy and fire
now the ashes have settled
on farther ground
the rain hammering me into the dirt
till I am almost invisible
only traces of a being, white upon the earth
but now there is a growth
as I am beat into the ground
through the pain and suffering
life will rise
from the ashes of my soul.....
Monday, May 21, 2012
But I Am Listening
I was sitting with my fellow co-workers at lunch the other day. I was kind of lost in my thoughts that day, and so I was quiet. But I was listening. And I should add, I work with people in the information technology field... computers, etc.
The conversations they had for an hour truly saddened my heart. (And I am writing this a bit more nice than it was actually stated...)
Their first topic was on a show on discovery channel, one of those reality shows about people in the south who live off the land, who hunt alligators and the like. Their words towards these people, who they don't even know, were so cruel. Just in America alone, a lot of people, I am realizing, think that people in the south are like a 3rd world country. No education, no health, and primitive. They were laughing and making fun of their accents, their language, their way of life, their teeth, or lack of! It was just rude. As I sat there, I shook my head. This is how these people have lived for generations, it isn't wrong, it is just different. Different does not mean bad. What if they had been born there? That is how they would live as well, then it wouldn't be so bad to them, huh? I tried explaining this to them, and the comeback was "you sound like you are defending them!" Well of course I do, they are my family, as well as yours! Why speak unkindly about how someone lives? I do not see the logic in this at all, just sadness.
Their conversation then turned to when we have to call support for some type of software, etc. They were complaining about how you "always get 'that' guy from India who doesn't know English, and isn't trained to do anything other than read a script, you never actually get any help until they transfer you to someone higher." Once again, they were making fun of someone because they spoke a different language, had an accent, was doing what they were trained to do! Where is the logic? To top this all off, it isn't their fault at all. If they are angry that they aren't getting help from an American, that is America's fault. The man on the other end of the phone is just trying to make a living for himself and his family, he is doing what he was trained to do. Why be rude to them on the phone? Ruin their day, belittle them? That is your brother.
Everyday I hear these things, and everyday I am saddened by them. Once and awhile I will get the excuse that "well I wasn't rude on the phone." But yet you are speaking badly about them elsewhere. That isn't any better. Just because you don't say these things to a person, doesn't mean it is any better demeaning them without their knowing.
My biggest dream right now, and has been for awhile is to go to India. I spoke about it the other day at work, because a plane ticket is very expensive to me, and it is and will take me a very long time to get there, and then hope my work will allow a leave of absence. A co-worker asked me why I wanted to do this, and why India of all places. I find that what Americans think India is like, is really bad, and not a total truth, it is a perception on something they haven't ever experienced. I explained to him, that I feel drawn there, there are many things I want to see and experience, as well as volunteer to help those in need. He said I was a better person than him, that he wouldn't want to volunteer, but if he did, he would want to go someplace nice. I let this pass, since it is how he feels, no need to argue with him. He asked me what I wanted to do there, and I explained the living conditions, etc. Some need basic English, and I work in the computer field, they need basic computing skills, it is something I know I can give. He then laughed and said something to the effect of "great, more Indians doing computer support!" in a sarcastic way.
Why wouldn't I want to help someone make a living for themselves and their loved ones? If I can give anything to better someone else, why wouldn't I want to do this? Why wouldn't you?
So at work, I listen, and I say my piece to try to change their outlook. All I can hope is that they listen to something, feel some compassion, see the logic in what I am saying, and the demeaning nature in what they say. But it does help remind me of why I am here. I am here to help my family, I am here to serve. In my everyday life, this lesson teaches me to think about what I am saying, to look at the bigger picture, the world is my family, and I want to help them, and not speak ill. It helps me in being mindful of myself, and not let poison pass my lips, and more importantly, not let it enter my mind and my heart.
The conversations they had for an hour truly saddened my heart. (And I am writing this a bit more nice than it was actually stated...)
Their first topic was on a show on discovery channel, one of those reality shows about people in the south who live off the land, who hunt alligators and the like. Their words towards these people, who they don't even know, were so cruel. Just in America alone, a lot of people, I am realizing, think that people in the south are like a 3rd world country. No education, no health, and primitive. They were laughing and making fun of their accents, their language, their way of life, their teeth, or lack of! It was just rude. As I sat there, I shook my head. This is how these people have lived for generations, it isn't wrong, it is just different. Different does not mean bad. What if they had been born there? That is how they would live as well, then it wouldn't be so bad to them, huh? I tried explaining this to them, and the comeback was "you sound like you are defending them!" Well of course I do, they are my family, as well as yours! Why speak unkindly about how someone lives? I do not see the logic in this at all, just sadness.
Their conversation then turned to when we have to call support for some type of software, etc. They were complaining about how you "always get 'that' guy from India who doesn't know English, and isn't trained to do anything other than read a script, you never actually get any help until they transfer you to someone higher." Once again, they were making fun of someone because they spoke a different language, had an accent, was doing what they were trained to do! Where is the logic? To top this all off, it isn't their fault at all. If they are angry that they aren't getting help from an American, that is America's fault. The man on the other end of the phone is just trying to make a living for himself and his family, he is doing what he was trained to do. Why be rude to them on the phone? Ruin their day, belittle them? That is your brother.
Everyday I hear these things, and everyday I am saddened by them. Once and awhile I will get the excuse that "well I wasn't rude on the phone." But yet you are speaking badly about them elsewhere. That isn't any better. Just because you don't say these things to a person, doesn't mean it is any better demeaning them without their knowing.
My biggest dream right now, and has been for awhile is to go to India. I spoke about it the other day at work, because a plane ticket is very expensive to me, and it is and will take me a very long time to get there, and then hope my work will allow a leave of absence. A co-worker asked me why I wanted to do this, and why India of all places. I find that what Americans think India is like, is really bad, and not a total truth, it is a perception on something they haven't ever experienced. I explained to him, that I feel drawn there, there are many things I want to see and experience, as well as volunteer to help those in need. He said I was a better person than him, that he wouldn't want to volunteer, but if he did, he would want to go someplace nice. I let this pass, since it is how he feels, no need to argue with him. He asked me what I wanted to do there, and I explained the living conditions, etc. Some need basic English, and I work in the computer field, they need basic computing skills, it is something I know I can give. He then laughed and said something to the effect of "great, more Indians doing computer support!" in a sarcastic way.
Why wouldn't I want to help someone make a living for themselves and their loved ones? If I can give anything to better someone else, why wouldn't I want to do this? Why wouldn't you?
So at work, I listen, and I say my piece to try to change their outlook. All I can hope is that they listen to something, feel some compassion, see the logic in what I am saying, and the demeaning nature in what they say. But it does help remind me of why I am here. I am here to help my family, I am here to serve. In my everyday life, this lesson teaches me to think about what I am saying, to look at the bigger picture, the world is my family, and I want to help them, and not speak ill. It helps me in being mindful of myself, and not let poison pass my lips, and more importantly, not let it enter my mind and my heart.
Awakening
As the stars move along their celestial paths
My mind awakens
To ancient memories
That remind me of forgotten lands
forgotten times
and the forgotten visions of you
I vaguely remember
the feel of an emotion, or a moment
shared between us
Have I found my memories reincarnate soul
Drifting in the hollow unknowing shell of the flesh
Through all the skins we had shed
Our wisdom, our memories, our love
will forever remain for us to seek
Sunday, May 20, 2012
A sweet lesson on patience
A NYC Taxi driver wrote:
I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I honked again. Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just driving away, but instead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.
After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.
By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.
There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard
box filled with photos and glassware.
'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.
She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.
She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her.. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.'
'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive
through downtown?'
'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly..
'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice.
I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice..'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.
'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.
For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.
We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.
Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired.Let's go now'.
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.
Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move.
They must have been expecting her.
I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.
'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her purse.
'Nothing,' I said
'You have to make a living,' she answered.
'There are other passengers,' I responded.
Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.She held onto me tightly.
'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.'
I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.. Behind me, a door shut.It was the sound of the closing of a life..
I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day,I could hardly talk.What if that woman had gotten an angry driver,or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?
On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.
We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.
But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.
I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I honked again. Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just driving away, but instead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.
After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.
By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.
There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard
box filled with photos and glassware.
'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.
She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.
She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her.. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.'
'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive
through downtown?'
'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly..
'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice.
I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice..'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.
'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.
For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.
We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.
Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired.Let's go now'.
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.
Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move.
They must have been expecting her.
I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.
'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her purse.
'Nothing,' I said
'You have to make a living,' she answered.
'There are other passengers,' I responded.
Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.She held onto me tightly.
'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.'
I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.. Behind me, a door shut.It was the sound of the closing of a life..
I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day,I could hardly talk.What if that woman had gotten an angry driver,or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?
On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.
We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.
But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Patience
Everything that has selfishness for its basis, competition for its right hand, and enjoyment as its goal, must die sooner or later.
What good is it if we acknowledge in our prayers that God is the Father of us all, and in our daily lives do not treat every man as our brother?
Sincerity of conviction and purity of motive will surely gain the day.
The cause of all miseries we have in the world is that men foolishly think pleasure to be the ideal to strive for.
Swami Vivekananda
So it is Mother's Day here in the states, and this has been a touchy subject for years. I have never really spent much time with my mother. She was not an active figure in my life, ever. As I grew older I tried to maintain a relationship, but every time, I end up pulling back, because she is a very difficult person to get along with. Irrational, some drug issues, past and present. I always felt like my life was worse with her in it. More stress and anger put on me, and that cutting her out was the way to go. I often said she was not a person I would ever friend, if she was a stranger.
Now I know my thinking was all wrong. I was being selfish.
If the world didn't have difficult people, how would we ever learn tolerance of others, patience and compassion? My actions weren't kind, because I felt slighted. It was not a grudge of the past, I was just fed up with trying over and over. But that was me, having an expectation of what she should be. I can't expect her to live up to my expectations, because she can only live up to hers. I understand how I think and see the world and myself, is much different than those around me, and I can't expect so many things and thoughts to match my own.
So today, I took a great step and I spoke to her. First time in close to two years. Well, it was a text, small steps, I figure. I can't explain how I feel, even physically, my body was quivering, not even sure why.
I really had to keep in my mind all that I feel, and all that I have learned, and all that I believe, to take this step. To show kindness to someone, to show compassion. All she wants is a relationship with me, and to speak to me. We can't say that we are all from one creator, while denying that everyone is our brother and sister. We cannot pick and choose, we are all family, the human family.
So today my feet are here in Duluth, MN. Not in the past, where feelings were hurt, and not in the future where fear is manifesting, but right here, in this moment. And in this moment, I can say I did good.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Paltrul Rinpoche's Sacred World
Much of our planning
is like waiting to swim in a dry ravine.
Many of our activities
are like housekeeping in a dream.
Delirious with fever,
one does not recognize the fever~
is like waiting to swim in a dry ravine.
Many of our activities
are like housekeeping in a dream.
Delirious with fever,
one does not recognize the fever~
Some Random Thoughts Floating Around
Today I am just looking back at how far I have come, and how far I have yet to go, and what changes I have seen. Just a lot of randomness floating around in my mind, I can say I am much happier, stress comes and goes, as well as irritation and anger, but I have a much better handle on things, I can look at them a different way, break them down to logical thinking, and then it seems foolish that I was ever so wrapped up in the emotions in the first place. Friends really don't understand or grasp, or really approve or care of the path I am seeking. But it is a fire inside me, and it seems the more I try to run from it, the stronger it burns.
I talk a lot about the teachings of Buddha, and the Dalai Lama, at the heart, they are about compassion, mindfulness, meditation. I am not Buddhist for one reason. I believe in a higher power. I am a logical thinker, I very much believe in cause and effect, but I have felt things that lead me to believe that something is there. What is hardest for me I think, is that people here are not receptive to someone practising Hinduism, or Buddhism. I believe all Gods are one God, no matter what name you want to give him or her. But there is so much fear put behind Christianity for me. "If you don't believe in a Christian God and his son, you are going to Hell, and will burn in eternal torture." This is a scary concept that is so pushed on someone. I believe in the core of religion, to create a more compassionate, good person. Scaring me into something doesn't feel right. I have went that route, and I wasn't satisfied. I did not feel loved.
I see us, as a people, much differently. So many heated issues going on in the world and here in the U.S. But I see my compassion has grown. Yes I am for equality of people, but I tend to look at the whole world more, and not just where I live. The struggles of different nations. We all have our own struggles, but what are we really fighting for and against? Many things and issues seem silly to me now. One religious group wants to attack people because they want equal rights to be married, seems simple enough. Why spend so much time arguing this, when there are people, children, starving to death, world hunger, housing issues, sanitation issues, environmental issues! There is a priority that I think we as the human family have forgotten. When a person would rather hold a sign in protest that says "god hates fags" then help a starving child get food, then I feel there is something wrong. We are dependent beings, and thus we need to think of everyone. I am for equality, but I would rather spend my energy smartly and stop spreading hate.
One thing that seems to hold me back a lot is the fact that I am a diabetic, I need health insurance to live. If not for that fact, I don't feel I would be here. I can read so many books, and listen to so many lectures, and dream of one day having the money to go to India, but I always have to factor in that I need to keep my job, I need to pay for my insulin. It is hard for me to be here and try to find my way. There is no temple, no teacher, no place for me to go to seek the knowledge I so desperately want. I need to put more effort in, but also I see that living in a western culture does make things more difficult, and that just makes my thirst stronger.
As I touch on difficulty, I find it horrifying, that it can be so difficult to find a spiritual path, but yet we here in the U.S have it so easy! I often meditate on the fact that when we need something, it is always a short drive to the store. Fast food on every corner, yet we blind ourselves from the fact that there is a huge hunger problem in the world. I remember one day, driving by a McDonald's, and the sign was buy one Big Mac, get one free. I was so taken aback. We allow children in our human family to starve, but we will give away food like that (even if it isn't so good for you.) It makes me so sad. Living here, and seeing things the way I do now, is humbling.
So look out for more. I am trying to keep this blog to my journey. I will be throwing up a donation link soon, once I am done with the website, so I can go to India. I wish to volunteer there, sadly only for a month, because I must work. But never have I wanted, and felt like I had to do something so much. But that is for another post :)
I talk a lot about the teachings of Buddha, and the Dalai Lama, at the heart, they are about compassion, mindfulness, meditation. I am not Buddhist for one reason. I believe in a higher power. I am a logical thinker, I very much believe in cause and effect, but I have felt things that lead me to believe that something is there. What is hardest for me I think, is that people here are not receptive to someone practising Hinduism, or Buddhism. I believe all Gods are one God, no matter what name you want to give him or her. But there is so much fear put behind Christianity for me. "If you don't believe in a Christian God and his son, you are going to Hell, and will burn in eternal torture." This is a scary concept that is so pushed on someone. I believe in the core of religion, to create a more compassionate, good person. Scaring me into something doesn't feel right. I have went that route, and I wasn't satisfied. I did not feel loved.
I see us, as a people, much differently. So many heated issues going on in the world and here in the U.S. But I see my compassion has grown. Yes I am for equality of people, but I tend to look at the whole world more, and not just where I live. The struggles of different nations. We all have our own struggles, but what are we really fighting for and against? Many things and issues seem silly to me now. One religious group wants to attack people because they want equal rights to be married, seems simple enough. Why spend so much time arguing this, when there are people, children, starving to death, world hunger, housing issues, sanitation issues, environmental issues! There is a priority that I think we as the human family have forgotten. When a person would rather hold a sign in protest that says "god hates fags" then help a starving child get food, then I feel there is something wrong. We are dependent beings, and thus we need to think of everyone. I am for equality, but I would rather spend my energy smartly and stop spreading hate.
One thing that seems to hold me back a lot is the fact that I am a diabetic, I need health insurance to live. If not for that fact, I don't feel I would be here. I can read so many books, and listen to so many lectures, and dream of one day having the money to go to India, but I always have to factor in that I need to keep my job, I need to pay for my insulin. It is hard for me to be here and try to find my way. There is no temple, no teacher, no place for me to go to seek the knowledge I so desperately want. I need to put more effort in, but also I see that living in a western culture does make things more difficult, and that just makes my thirst stronger.
As I touch on difficulty, I find it horrifying, that it can be so difficult to find a spiritual path, but yet we here in the U.S have it so easy! I often meditate on the fact that when we need something, it is always a short drive to the store. Fast food on every corner, yet we blind ourselves from the fact that there is a huge hunger problem in the world. I remember one day, driving by a McDonald's, and the sign was buy one Big Mac, get one free. I was so taken aback. We allow children in our human family to starve, but we will give away food like that (even if it isn't so good for you.) It makes me so sad. Living here, and seeing things the way I do now, is humbling.
So look out for more. I am trying to keep this blog to my journey. I will be throwing up a donation link soon, once I am done with the website, so I can go to India. I wish to volunteer there, sadly only for a month, because I must work. But never have I wanted, and felt like I had to do something so much. But that is for another post :)
Saturday, May 5, 2012
In the moment, In control
I have a friend, whom I met out of a very deep depression. We shared many of the same circumstances growing up, had many of the same hardships. As life has went on (oh I'd say about 13 years give or take), my friend still seems so stuck in this struggle. She suffers great depression, and sadness. Her outlook on life, and her outlook on herself are not good. To top things off, she has had several deaths in her family of recent. We talk often, maybe once a week, and I talk to her a lot about the transformation in me, and how I view life now. I just hope that I can ease any of her suffering, that is my goal. I in no way push anything on her, we just have an open discussion.
But this really got me thinking about my own life, and how I was so stuck on the suffering of my past, how I look at myself and my body, and how I react to things around me.
One method I have found useful is that, even if you don't really believe something, repetitiveness will strengthen that belief. When I look at my self, I can't compare myself to some person I think is more beautiful. I look at what truly matters, I look at myself as I am, skin, bone, blood, and I can look at all people that way. The outer appearance will fade. The Dalai Lama said in a book he wrote, that if we were all under an x-ray machine, what do you see? We all would look relatively the same, bones, eye sockets, etc. When you start comparing yourself to others, see them as they really are, the physical composition of blood, bone, flesh, and look at yourself the same, through time, you will really start to feel better about yourself, because you aren't comparing yourself to something that doesn't matter.
On the suffering of my past, this has been much harder. There are people and things in my past I never thought I would forgive. My enemies. One thing I have come to see is that I couldn't be taught forgiveness, or patience without them. It is a hard thing to think of these people with any compassion. So I tried looking deeper at their actions. One thing all have in common is that we all want to be free of suffering, and seek happiness. In this, I know, that whatever their reasons were, and however they decided to act on those thoughts, they were seeking happiness, as am I. Look at the worst war criminal, what are their main reasosn behind their actions? In their mind, the actions they take, are what they believe will bring them happiness, everything a person does is towards this cause. The difference is seeing what is true happiness, and what is normal happiness (which isn't true happiness.) If I have the expectation that a piece of chocolate will make me happy, and I absolutely must have it, I eat it, and I am happy, but if you look into this, it isn't true happiness, because if I were to keep eating this chocolate, I would definitely be suffering! Haha! These passing moments that we believe are happiness, really aren't. If you see this, and turn your focus towards finding true happiness, it will stick. So take a person from my past, lets take the topic of sexual abuse of a child. This had many horrible affects on my life as I got older, (I will not get into that.) As I think back at how much hatred I held for this person, I see all the things that it affected in my life. Yes it was a bad thing that happened, and yes, a person doesn't just move on, it will affect things in your life in a negative way. But at some point you need to see these things as they are, and stop allowing yourself to be affected by them. That is where I hope to help my friend. If it is years after the actual offenses, then only you are creating the problems. My depression, my suicidal thoughts, all were because I would dwell on the past, I would bring back those memories, and replay them in my mind, I am causing my suffering. I can come to an understanding that the person that did these things to me, at the heart of the matter, was not purely to hurt me, but because they had enjoyment from it, they thought that they were gaining a happiness (in a very selfish way), but I can accept that that is a common bond of all sentient beings, and once I can understand this common bond, I can forgive and start to move on.
But I will not let myself dwell on this and cause myself continuous suffering. On the other side of this coin, is thinking about the future, what might happen with this person, or that person, situations similar to past, that might happen, or holding someone to unreal and impossible standards (the white knight in shining armor), If I am expecting these things, I am causing myself fear, and anxiety, and when a person doesn't hold up to a standard I have created in my mind that no one in the world can live up to, then you set yourself up for failure as well, because you will become unsatisfied with everyone.
Another recent talk we had was about her fear of how certain family members seem to attack her, guilt her, make her feel bad about herself, but to accomplish the goal she set, there is no way of avoiding them. This is something we all deal with. If I go to so and so's, then I have to deal with so and so. I see this with almost every family, lol! I myself deal with this, if I want to go see this person, I inevitably have to see and deal with this person. And I did that recently. As I found, I didn't have to let myself be affected by them. They said what they wanted, made the accusations they felt they needed, and I sat in meditation. I let them talk, and in my head I was quite, and mindful of myself, reminding myself that their words, and their thoughts do NOT have to make me feel any way. Find refuge in mindfulness. It can save you a lot of problems. There are times that I walk away and am upset at the things they said. No one and nothing is perfect, but don't get down on yourself about it. Thoughts will come in while meditating, just acknowledge them, and move on, it is a natural thing. But when faced with this situation, ask yourself "where are my feet." Concentrate on the here and now, meditate, free your mind, concentrate on how the air feels entering your nose, how you nostrils flair and feel the cold, concentrate on the whole process of breathing. Then they can say whatever they feel they need to say to you, but you don't have to let it affect you and make you feel bad.
I do this with my boss as well, when she is in a rant, I can hear the sound of a voice, so I can stay enough in the moment to not act like I am just not listening, but I try to just step back, almost like you are standing next to your own body, you can see her yelling and whatever else, and when it is done, just step right back in, and walk away, the situation is over, took 5 minutes, instead of ruining my day, or week. She feels she needs to do this, I don't need to be a part of it, so I chose not to be. Now this is not saying to not stand up for yourself, you have every right to comment back, and many times I do. A simple "I am sorry you feel the need to treat people like this" or "when you are ready to talk like an adult, I will come back." If it is a really bad situation, you can report it, but you don't need to add to the moment of their anger.
This is the message I hope to express. It is a moment, it will soon be the past, and therefore, nothing to dwell on, worrying about the future and what my boss might say or do, is not real, hasn't even happened, so why work myself up? Why worry. All this time spent on past and future are causing great suffering to yourself, physically, mentally. People exercise their bodies all the time, but we need to also exercise our minds. It is the same concept, you can train your mind to quiet that voice that creates this suffering, and the more you do this, the happier you are, this is logic. My /your past and my/your future depend on what I/you do today. Instead of letting these things bother you and cause all this suffering, you chose to not let it bother you. So when you do look back, you see your past differently, not as a depression, because you didn't allow it to be at the time.
It is really how you live today, in the moment, wherever your feet are. If you change how you are now, your past won't be depression, and your future wont be anxiety, because you are in control of this.
But this really got me thinking about my own life, and how I was so stuck on the suffering of my past, how I look at myself and my body, and how I react to things around me.
One method I have found useful is that, even if you don't really believe something, repetitiveness will strengthen that belief. When I look at my self, I can't compare myself to some person I think is more beautiful. I look at what truly matters, I look at myself as I am, skin, bone, blood, and I can look at all people that way. The outer appearance will fade. The Dalai Lama said in a book he wrote, that if we were all under an x-ray machine, what do you see? We all would look relatively the same, bones, eye sockets, etc. When you start comparing yourself to others, see them as they really are, the physical composition of blood, bone, flesh, and look at yourself the same, through time, you will really start to feel better about yourself, because you aren't comparing yourself to something that doesn't matter.
On the suffering of my past, this has been much harder. There are people and things in my past I never thought I would forgive. My enemies. One thing I have come to see is that I couldn't be taught forgiveness, or patience without them. It is a hard thing to think of these people with any compassion. So I tried looking deeper at their actions. One thing all have in common is that we all want to be free of suffering, and seek happiness. In this, I know, that whatever their reasons were, and however they decided to act on those thoughts, they were seeking happiness, as am I. Look at the worst war criminal, what are their main reasosn behind their actions? In their mind, the actions they take, are what they believe will bring them happiness, everything a person does is towards this cause. The difference is seeing what is true happiness, and what is normal happiness (which isn't true happiness.) If I have the expectation that a piece of chocolate will make me happy, and I absolutely must have it, I eat it, and I am happy, but if you look into this, it isn't true happiness, because if I were to keep eating this chocolate, I would definitely be suffering! Haha! These passing moments that we believe are happiness, really aren't. If you see this, and turn your focus towards finding true happiness, it will stick. So take a person from my past, lets take the topic of sexual abuse of a child. This had many horrible affects on my life as I got older, (I will not get into that.) As I think back at how much hatred I held for this person, I see all the things that it affected in my life. Yes it was a bad thing that happened, and yes, a person doesn't just move on, it will affect things in your life in a negative way. But at some point you need to see these things as they are, and stop allowing yourself to be affected by them. That is where I hope to help my friend. If it is years after the actual offenses, then only you are creating the problems. My depression, my suicidal thoughts, all were because I would dwell on the past, I would bring back those memories, and replay them in my mind, I am causing my suffering. I can come to an understanding that the person that did these things to me, at the heart of the matter, was not purely to hurt me, but because they had enjoyment from it, they thought that they were gaining a happiness (in a very selfish way), but I can accept that that is a common bond of all sentient beings, and once I can understand this common bond, I can forgive and start to move on.
But I will not let myself dwell on this and cause myself continuous suffering. On the other side of this coin, is thinking about the future, what might happen with this person, or that person, situations similar to past, that might happen, or holding someone to unreal and impossible standards (the white knight in shining armor), If I am expecting these things, I am causing myself fear, and anxiety, and when a person doesn't hold up to a standard I have created in my mind that no one in the world can live up to, then you set yourself up for failure as well, because you will become unsatisfied with everyone.
Another recent talk we had was about her fear of how certain family members seem to attack her, guilt her, make her feel bad about herself, but to accomplish the goal she set, there is no way of avoiding them. This is something we all deal with. If I go to so and so's, then I have to deal with so and so. I see this with almost every family, lol! I myself deal with this, if I want to go see this person, I inevitably have to see and deal with this person. And I did that recently. As I found, I didn't have to let myself be affected by them. They said what they wanted, made the accusations they felt they needed, and I sat in meditation. I let them talk, and in my head I was quite, and mindful of myself, reminding myself that their words, and their thoughts do NOT have to make me feel any way. Find refuge in mindfulness. It can save you a lot of problems. There are times that I walk away and am upset at the things they said. No one and nothing is perfect, but don't get down on yourself about it. Thoughts will come in while meditating, just acknowledge them, and move on, it is a natural thing. But when faced with this situation, ask yourself "where are my feet." Concentrate on the here and now, meditate, free your mind, concentrate on how the air feels entering your nose, how you nostrils flair and feel the cold, concentrate on the whole process of breathing. Then they can say whatever they feel they need to say to you, but you don't have to let it affect you and make you feel bad.
I do this with my boss as well, when she is in a rant, I can hear the sound of a voice, so I can stay enough in the moment to not act like I am just not listening, but I try to just step back, almost like you are standing next to your own body, you can see her yelling and whatever else, and when it is done, just step right back in, and walk away, the situation is over, took 5 minutes, instead of ruining my day, or week. She feels she needs to do this, I don't need to be a part of it, so I chose not to be. Now this is not saying to not stand up for yourself, you have every right to comment back, and many times I do. A simple "I am sorry you feel the need to treat people like this" or "when you are ready to talk like an adult, I will come back." If it is a really bad situation, you can report it, but you don't need to add to the moment of their anger.
This is the message I hope to express. It is a moment, it will soon be the past, and therefore, nothing to dwell on, worrying about the future and what my boss might say or do, is not real, hasn't even happened, so why work myself up? Why worry. All this time spent on past and future are causing great suffering to yourself, physically, mentally. People exercise their bodies all the time, but we need to also exercise our minds. It is the same concept, you can train your mind to quiet that voice that creates this suffering, and the more you do this, the happier you are, this is logic. My /your past and my/your future depend on what I/you do today. Instead of letting these things bother you and cause all this suffering, you chose to not let it bother you. So when you do look back, you see your past differently, not as a depression, because you didn't allow it to be at the time.
It is really how you live today, in the moment, wherever your feet are. If you change how you are now, your past won't be depression, and your future wont be anxiety, because you are in control of this.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Reflections on compassion
So many things go through my head, so many thoughts, it is so hard to tame. This transformation in my life is literally one of the hardest things I have ever done and probably ever will. The more I am mindful that we are all interdependent and connected, the more I notice little things about myself and others, and it tends to be in my head almost as a constant. How people react to things, or others, how they think and feel about topics. I am noticing that we tend to throw our perspectives out like truth, and this is something I do myself, quite often. Jumping to conclusions, making accusations, and judging people by feelings and situations, on your perspective based on feelings and images, and not on any sort of reality.
A couple examples. So awhile ago (really what started my transformation) I had a rather nasty run in with a nurse at the hospital that I work in. Her laptops weren't connecting to a wireless signal, I went to fix them. She was upset, saying they hadn't worked for several days, I wanted to know when she had called so I could find out why it took us several days to get this fixed, she responded that she didn't have time to call us, she was a busy person (in a not so nice tone.) Now being in the IT field I am use to people thinking I am suppose to read minds, and have magical fixing fairy dust, but sometimes it still catches me off guard, the absolute rudeness of some people. She proceeded to be rude, talking poorly about me across the room, in front of patients. When I finally got back, I was shaking with anger. I won't get into the long story of that.
What I have come to realize is that I don't have to react to her reality. Just because she wanted to be rude and upset, didn't mean I had to react in turn. I find it hard to just let someone act that way, and not react. In my cubicle, I called her very bad names, thought she wasn't a good person, and in hindsight, I realize that things don't pop into existence. A table doesn't just become a table, it is a combination of many different things and events that brought it to be. I don't know what events led up to her being so upset, or choosing to treat a person the way she did, but I can't be cruel in return. I can not say she is a bad person, based on one incident that I didn't see the events leading up to. I don't even know her!
I see this a lot in everyday life. We react to something that we don't fully understand, and then we retaliate in anger. I feel bad for calling her the names I did. I am sure she is a good person, and I know she has good qualities, this is rational thinking.
My second example is a friend of mine wanted to go on a camping trip. This trip had a monetary cost to it, and was very bad timing for me. He is the type of person that really gets his heart set on something, and takes it hard when it doesn't pan out. He is a very logical thinker, but he has a big heart, and he feels deeply. I couldn't get out of work for this (well almost impossible) and as I am closing on a house only 8 days before this trip, financially, I didn't see it as a responsible move. I am trying to save money, and it is kind of all tied into the purchase of a house. I know he would be bummed out, and I didn't want to tell him this, but I also felt as a friend he would understand. After breaking my bad news, I took every little thing as bad. We had been talking and then he just stopped talking, blamed the trip not working as a "lack of interest" which it wasn't. But I kept on thinking to myself "how can my friend not understand and accept my situation?" I was so upset, thinking he was being selfish, only caring for himself. I was really in turmoil over this. Then when we did finally speak, there was no anger from him. I am sure he wasn't that happy, but I don't feel he was sitting there thinking to himself "I want this trip, it's 8 days after her closing, her money is tight, she makes good money, so she must be lying, and I don't care, because 'I' want this."
I lose touch with reality, and mostly with my perceptions, these scenarios in my head.
Now when I realize that a situation is arising, I sit back, let whoever say and feel what and how they want. In my mind (as with the nurse) I think while they rant, I think to myself how I am not angry with them, I am sad for them, that they feel the need to live this way, to physically stress their bodies out, and for what? That they feel the right to treat others the way they do. And with this, my anger diminishes, and my compassion grows. As with my friends, I try to realize that I can only do what I can do, if they feel a certain way, I can't stop, nor change that. But I can't create dramas in my head and then feel so hateful towards another. This is not growth, and it is not helpful. I just need to take 5 sometimes and check myself with reality.
One of the biggest things I need to do is realize that everything is a product of many things. Every action I take is a building block. Take the table for instance. If you take away the carpenter, or the seed, or the soil, the table wouldn't be in existence. If I can take away my perceptions, and be more compassionate, what will change? How will I make a situation different? In the instance of the nurse, she would still have had her reality, but my day wouldn't have been spent upset and angry, I did that to myself, the situation only need one change, and that change was me.
Once I start to look at things of this nature, I realize that a lot (if not all) my problems are my own. And just in seeing this, and really trying to be different, I am seeing huge change. I am more happy, things are much better at my job, I have a general happiness that really shows and gravitates to others, and I can see it in my interactions with co workers, with strangers. It is just unbelievable, when you actually can see with your mind and not just what is in front of your eyes.
A couple examples. So awhile ago (really what started my transformation) I had a rather nasty run in with a nurse at the hospital that I work in. Her laptops weren't connecting to a wireless signal, I went to fix them. She was upset, saying they hadn't worked for several days, I wanted to know when she had called so I could find out why it took us several days to get this fixed, she responded that she didn't have time to call us, she was a busy person (in a not so nice tone.) Now being in the IT field I am use to people thinking I am suppose to read minds, and have magical fixing fairy dust, but sometimes it still catches me off guard, the absolute rudeness of some people. She proceeded to be rude, talking poorly about me across the room, in front of patients. When I finally got back, I was shaking with anger. I won't get into the long story of that.
What I have come to realize is that I don't have to react to her reality. Just because she wanted to be rude and upset, didn't mean I had to react in turn. I find it hard to just let someone act that way, and not react. In my cubicle, I called her very bad names, thought she wasn't a good person, and in hindsight, I realize that things don't pop into existence. A table doesn't just become a table, it is a combination of many different things and events that brought it to be. I don't know what events led up to her being so upset, or choosing to treat a person the way she did, but I can't be cruel in return. I can not say she is a bad person, based on one incident that I didn't see the events leading up to. I don't even know her!
I see this a lot in everyday life. We react to something that we don't fully understand, and then we retaliate in anger. I feel bad for calling her the names I did. I am sure she is a good person, and I know she has good qualities, this is rational thinking.
My second example is a friend of mine wanted to go on a camping trip. This trip had a monetary cost to it, and was very bad timing for me. He is the type of person that really gets his heart set on something, and takes it hard when it doesn't pan out. He is a very logical thinker, but he has a big heart, and he feels deeply. I couldn't get out of work for this (well almost impossible) and as I am closing on a house only 8 days before this trip, financially, I didn't see it as a responsible move. I am trying to save money, and it is kind of all tied into the purchase of a house. I know he would be bummed out, and I didn't want to tell him this, but I also felt as a friend he would understand. After breaking my bad news, I took every little thing as bad. We had been talking and then he just stopped talking, blamed the trip not working as a "lack of interest" which it wasn't. But I kept on thinking to myself "how can my friend not understand and accept my situation?" I was so upset, thinking he was being selfish, only caring for himself. I was really in turmoil over this. Then when we did finally speak, there was no anger from him. I am sure he wasn't that happy, but I don't feel he was sitting there thinking to himself "I want this trip, it's 8 days after her closing, her money is tight, she makes good money, so she must be lying, and I don't care, because 'I' want this."
I lose touch with reality, and mostly with my perceptions, these scenarios in my head.
Now when I realize that a situation is arising, I sit back, let whoever say and feel what and how they want. In my mind (as with the nurse) I think while they rant, I think to myself how I am not angry with them, I am sad for them, that they feel the need to live this way, to physically stress their bodies out, and for what? That they feel the right to treat others the way they do. And with this, my anger diminishes, and my compassion grows. As with my friends, I try to realize that I can only do what I can do, if they feel a certain way, I can't stop, nor change that. But I can't create dramas in my head and then feel so hateful towards another. This is not growth, and it is not helpful. I just need to take 5 sometimes and check myself with reality.
One of the biggest things I need to do is realize that everything is a product of many things. Every action I take is a building block. Take the table for instance. If you take away the carpenter, or the seed, or the soil, the table wouldn't be in existence. If I can take away my perceptions, and be more compassionate, what will change? How will I make a situation different? In the instance of the nurse, she would still have had her reality, but my day wouldn't have been spent upset and angry, I did that to myself, the situation only need one change, and that change was me.
Once I start to look at things of this nature, I realize that a lot (if not all) my problems are my own. And just in seeing this, and really trying to be different, I am seeing huge change. I am more happy, things are much better at my job, I have a general happiness that really shows and gravitates to others, and I can see it in my interactions with co workers, with strangers. It is just unbelievable, when you actually can see with your mind and not just what is in front of your eyes.
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