Today I am just looking back at how far I have come, and how far I have yet to go, and what changes I have seen. Just a lot of randomness floating around in my mind, I can say I am much happier, stress comes and goes, as well as irritation and anger, but I have a much better handle on things, I can look at them a different way, break them down to logical thinking, and then it seems foolish that I was ever so wrapped up in the emotions in the first place. Friends really don't understand or grasp, or really approve or care of the path I am seeking. But it is a fire inside me, and it seems the more I try to run from it, the stronger it burns.
I talk a lot about the teachings of Buddha, and the Dalai Lama, at the heart, they are about compassion, mindfulness, meditation. I am not Buddhist for one reason. I believe in a higher power. I am a logical thinker, I very much believe in cause and effect, but I have felt things that lead me to believe that something is there. What is hardest for me I think, is that people here are not receptive to someone practising Hinduism, or Buddhism. I believe all Gods are one God, no matter what name you want to give him or her. But there is so much fear put behind Christianity for me. "If you don't believe in a Christian God and his son, you are going to Hell, and will burn in eternal torture." This is a scary concept that is so pushed on someone. I believe in the core of religion, to create a more compassionate, good person. Scaring me into something doesn't feel right. I have went that route, and I wasn't satisfied. I did not feel loved.
I see us, as a people, much differently. So many heated issues going on in the world and here in the U.S. But I see my compassion has grown. Yes I am for equality of people, but I tend to look at the whole world more, and not just where I live. The struggles of different nations. We all have our own struggles, but what are we really fighting for and against? Many things and issues seem silly to me now. One religious group wants to attack people because they want equal rights to be married, seems simple enough. Why spend so much time arguing this, when there are people, children, starving to death, world hunger, housing issues, sanitation issues, environmental issues! There is a priority that I think we as the human family have forgotten. When a person would rather hold a sign in protest that says "god hates fags" then help a starving child get food, then I feel there is something wrong. We are dependent beings, and thus we need to think of everyone. I am for equality, but I would rather spend my energy smartly and stop spreading hate.
One thing that seems to hold me back a lot is the fact that I am a diabetic, I need health insurance to live. If not for that fact, I don't feel I would be here. I can read so many books, and listen to so many lectures, and dream of one day having the money to go to India, but I always have to factor in that I need to keep my job, I need to pay for my insulin. It is hard for me to be here and try to find my way. There is no temple, no teacher, no place for me to go to seek the knowledge I so desperately want. I need to put more effort in, but also I see that living in a western culture does make things more difficult, and that just makes my thirst stronger.
As I touch on difficulty, I find it horrifying, that it can be so difficult to find a spiritual path, but yet we here in the U.S have it so easy! I often meditate on the fact that when we need something, it is always a short drive to the store. Fast food on every corner, yet we blind ourselves from the fact that there is a huge hunger problem in the world. I remember one day, driving by a McDonald's, and the sign was buy one Big Mac, get one free. I was so taken aback. We allow children in our human family to starve, but we will give away food like that (even if it isn't so good for you.) It makes me so sad. Living here, and seeing things the way I do now, is humbling.
So look out for more. I am trying to keep this blog to my journey. I will be throwing up a donation link soon, once I am done with the website, so I can go to India. I wish to volunteer there, sadly only for a month, because I must work. But never have I wanted, and felt like I had to do something so much. But that is for another post :)
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