So many things go through my head, so many thoughts, it is so hard to tame. This transformation in my life is literally one of the hardest things I have ever done and probably ever will. The more I am mindful that we are all interdependent and connected, the more I notice little things about myself and others, and it tends to be in my head almost as a constant. How people react to things, or others, how they think and feel about topics. I am noticing that we tend to throw our perspectives out like truth, and this is something I do myself, quite often. Jumping to conclusions, making accusations, and judging people by feelings and situations, on your perspective based on feelings and images, and not on any sort of reality.
A couple examples. So awhile ago (really what started my transformation) I had a rather nasty run in with a nurse at the hospital that I work in. Her laptops weren't connecting to a wireless signal, I went to fix them. She was upset, saying they hadn't worked for several days, I wanted to know when she had called so I could find out why it took us several days to get this fixed, she responded that she didn't have time to call us, she was a busy person (in a not so nice tone.) Now being in the IT field I am use to people thinking I am suppose to read minds, and have magical fixing fairy dust, but sometimes it still catches me off guard, the absolute rudeness of some people. She proceeded to be rude, talking poorly about me across the room, in front of patients. When I finally got back, I was shaking with anger. I won't get into the long story of that.
What I have come to realize is that I don't have to react to her reality. Just because she wanted to be rude and upset, didn't mean I had to react in turn. I find it hard to just let someone act that way, and not react. In my cubicle, I called her very bad names, thought she wasn't a good person, and in hindsight, I realize that things don't pop into existence. A table doesn't just become a table, it is a combination of many different things and events that brought it to be. I don't know what events led up to her being so upset, or choosing to treat a person the way she did, but I can't be cruel in return. I can not say she is a bad person, based on one incident that I didn't see the events leading up to. I don't even know her!
I see this a lot in everyday life. We react to something that we don't fully understand, and then we retaliate in anger. I feel bad for calling her the names I did. I am sure she is a good person, and I know she has good qualities, this is rational thinking.
My second example is a friend of mine wanted to go on a camping trip. This trip had a monetary cost to it, and was very bad timing for me. He is the type of person that really gets his heart set on something, and takes it hard when it doesn't pan out. He is a very logical thinker, but he has a big heart, and he feels deeply. I couldn't get out of work for this (well almost impossible) and as I am closing on a house only 8 days before this trip, financially, I didn't see it as a responsible move. I am trying to save money, and it is kind of all tied into the purchase of a house. I know he would be bummed out, and I didn't want to tell him this, but I also felt as a friend he would understand. After breaking my bad news, I took every little thing as bad. We had been talking and then he just stopped talking, blamed the trip not working as a "lack of interest" which it wasn't. But I kept on thinking to myself "how can my friend not understand and accept my situation?" I was so upset, thinking he was being selfish, only caring for himself. I was really in turmoil over this. Then when we did finally speak, there was no anger from him. I am sure he wasn't that happy, but I don't feel he was sitting there thinking to himself "I want this trip, it's 8 days after her closing, her money is tight, she makes good money, so she must be lying, and I don't care, because 'I' want this."
I lose touch with reality, and mostly with my perceptions, these scenarios in my head.
Now when I realize that a situation is arising, I sit back, let whoever say and feel what and how they want. In my mind (as with the nurse) I think while they rant, I think to myself how I am not angry with them, I am sad for them, that they feel the need to live this way, to physically stress their bodies out, and for what? That they feel the right to treat others the way they do. And with this, my anger diminishes, and my compassion grows. As with my friends, I try to realize that I can only do what I can do, if they feel a certain way, I can't stop, nor change that. But I can't create dramas in my head and then feel so hateful towards another. This is not growth, and it is not helpful. I just need to take 5 sometimes and check myself with reality.
One of the biggest things I need to do is realize that everything is a product of many things. Every action I take is a building block. Take the table for instance. If you take away the carpenter, or the seed, or the soil, the table wouldn't be in existence. If I can take away my perceptions, and be more compassionate, what will change? How will I make a situation different? In the instance of the nurse, she would still have had her reality, but my day wouldn't have been spent upset and angry, I did that to myself, the situation only need one change, and that change was me.
Once I start to look at things of this nature, I realize that a lot (if not all) my problems are my own. And just in seeing this, and really trying to be different, I am seeing huge change. I am more happy, things are much better at my job, I have a general happiness that really shows and gravitates to others, and I can see it in my interactions with co workers, with strangers. It is just unbelievable, when you actually can see with your mind and not just what is in front of your eyes.
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