I have a friend, whom I met out of a very deep depression. We shared many of the same circumstances growing up, had many of the same hardships. As life has went on (oh I'd say about 13 years give or take), my friend still seems so stuck in this struggle. She suffers great depression, and sadness. Her outlook on life, and her outlook on herself are not good. To top things off, she has had several deaths in her family of recent. We talk often, maybe once a week, and I talk to her a lot about the transformation in me, and how I view life now. I just hope that I can ease any of her suffering, that is my goal. I in no way push anything on her, we just have an open discussion.
But this really got me thinking about my own life, and how I was so stuck on the suffering of my past, how I look at myself and my body, and how I react to things around me.
One method I have found useful is that, even if you don't really believe something, repetitiveness will strengthen that belief. When I look at my self, I can't compare myself to some person I think is more beautiful. I look at what truly matters, I look at myself as I am, skin, bone, blood, and I can look at all people that way. The outer appearance will fade. The Dalai Lama said in a book he wrote, that if we were all under an x-ray machine, what do you see? We all would look relatively the same, bones, eye sockets, etc. When you start comparing yourself to others, see them as they really are, the physical composition of blood, bone, flesh, and look at yourself the same, through time, you will really start to feel better about yourself, because you aren't comparing yourself to something that doesn't matter.
On the suffering of my past, this has been much harder. There are people and things in my past I never thought I would forgive. My enemies. One thing I have come to see is that I couldn't be taught forgiveness, or patience without them. It is a hard thing to think of these people with any compassion. So I tried looking deeper at their actions. One thing all have in common is that we all want to be free of suffering, and seek happiness. In this, I know, that whatever their reasons were, and however they decided to act on those thoughts, they were seeking happiness, as am I. Look at the worst war criminal, what are their main reasosn behind their actions? In their mind, the actions they take, are what they believe will bring them happiness, everything a person does is towards this cause. The difference is seeing what is true happiness, and what is normal happiness (which isn't true happiness.) If I have the expectation that a piece of chocolate will make me happy, and I absolutely must have it, I eat it, and I am happy, but if you look into this, it isn't true happiness, because if I were to keep eating this chocolate, I would definitely be suffering! Haha! These passing moments that we believe are happiness, really aren't. If you see this, and turn your focus towards finding true happiness, it will stick. So take a person from my past, lets take the topic of sexual abuse of a child. This had many horrible affects on my life as I got older, (I will not get into that.) As I think back at how much hatred I held for this person, I see all the things that it affected in my life. Yes it was a bad thing that happened, and yes, a person doesn't just move on, it will affect things in your life in a negative way. But at some point you need to see these things as they are, and stop allowing yourself to be affected by them. That is where I hope to help my friend. If it is years after the actual offenses, then only you are creating the problems. My depression, my suicidal thoughts, all were because I would dwell on the past, I would bring back those memories, and replay them in my mind, I am causing my suffering. I can come to an understanding that the person that did these things to me, at the heart of the matter, was not purely to hurt me, but because they had enjoyment from it, they thought that they were gaining a happiness (in a very selfish way), but I can accept that that is a common bond of all sentient beings, and once I can understand this common bond, I can forgive and start to move on.
But I will not let myself dwell on this and cause myself continuous suffering. On the other side of this coin, is thinking about the future, what might happen with this person, or that person, situations similar to past, that might happen, or holding someone to unreal and impossible standards (the white knight in shining armor), If I am expecting these things, I am causing myself fear, and anxiety, and when a person doesn't hold up to a standard I have created in my mind that no one in the world can live up to, then you set yourself up for failure as well, because you will become unsatisfied with everyone.
Another recent talk we had was about her fear of how certain family members seem to attack her, guilt her, make her feel bad about herself, but to accomplish the goal she set, there is no way of avoiding them. This is something we all deal with. If I go to so and so's, then I have to deal with so and so. I see this with almost every family, lol! I myself deal with this, if I want to go see this person, I inevitably have to see and deal with this person. And I did that recently. As I found, I didn't have to let myself be affected by them. They said what they wanted, made the accusations they felt they needed, and I sat in meditation. I let them talk, and in my head I was quite, and mindful of myself, reminding myself that their words, and their thoughts do NOT have to make me feel any way. Find refuge in mindfulness. It can save you a lot of problems. There are times that I walk away and am upset at the things they said. No one and nothing is perfect, but don't get down on yourself about it. Thoughts will come in while meditating, just acknowledge them, and move on, it is a natural thing. But when faced with this situation, ask yourself "where are my feet." Concentrate on the here and now, meditate, free your mind, concentrate on how the air feels entering your nose, how you nostrils flair and feel the cold, concentrate on the whole process of breathing. Then they can say whatever they feel they need to say to you, but you don't have to let it affect you and make you feel bad.
I do this with my boss as well, when she is in a rant, I can hear the sound of a voice, so I can stay enough in the moment to not act like I am just not listening, but I try to just step back, almost like you are standing next to your own body, you can see her yelling and whatever else, and when it is done, just step right back in, and walk away, the situation is over, took 5 minutes, instead of ruining my day, or week. She feels she needs to do this, I don't need to be a part of it, so I chose not to be. Now this is not saying to not stand up for yourself, you have every right to comment back, and many times I do. A simple "I am sorry you feel the need to treat people like this" or "when you are ready to talk like an adult, I will come back." If it is a really bad situation, you can report it, but you don't need to add to the moment of their anger.
This is the message I hope to express. It is a moment, it will soon be the past, and therefore, nothing to dwell on, worrying about the future and what my boss might say or do, is not real, hasn't even happened, so why work myself up? Why worry. All this time spent on past and future are causing great suffering to yourself, physically, mentally. People exercise their bodies all the time, but we need to also exercise our minds. It is the same concept, you can train your mind to quiet that voice that creates this suffering, and the more you do this, the happier you are, this is logic. My /your past and my/your future depend on what I/you do today. Instead of letting these things bother you and cause all this suffering, you chose to not let it bother you. So when you do look back, you see your past differently, not as a depression, because you didn't allow it to be at the time.
It is really how you live today, in the moment, wherever your feet are. If you change how you are now, your past won't be depression, and your future wont be anxiety, because you are in control of this.
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